WANKAS

My posts have become very serious and cerebral of late. I’ve way too much time on my hands so I  tend to contemplate and write about grave matters and topics. There was a time when this blog was exceedingly silly and full of hilarious inanity and banality; replete with daring do tales of Arthur Askey and his arch-nemesis, George Formby and his grill. Tis time to redress the balance and issue forth a none too sensible post. This time I have chosen the highly fertile area of the ‘Album Cover’ genre. The album cover is the artist’s attempt to convey the quintessence of the contents therein. This is something not easy to do well. For every tasteful and resplendent cover, such as ‘Rumours’, we see an abundance of dross put forth by shit performers. I’ve attempted to put together a gaggle of covers which are piss poor at best culminating in the mildly disturbing, at worst. Some of the ‘artists’ gathered here are clearly not well and some, are incredibly unphotogenic. Read on and weep……..    

Why didn't he call himself, Richard or Rick? 

Indeed Sir, if you had been crucified you wouldn't be able to do the thing suggested in your name. At least not in public.

Oh dear, what an unfortunate name. I suspect his time at school was not a happy time. Kids can be really cruel about this sort of thing. Perhaps this is why this fella does not look too happy? Or could it be because he married the ugliest woman in Swansea? Looking at the 'fruit of the loins' from this union I can truly believe in retrogressive evolution. Looks like someone has been pissing in the gene pool.

Shit on a stick. I don't know about going back to Miami. I would think going back to the hairdresser would be the better of the two options. Tis a complete ecosystem sporting its own rainforest, fauna and a slug called Gerald. This is just as well as the lacquer needed to keep this concoction aloft must have released enough CFC gas to destroy the Brazilian rainforest. Why do I keep thinking of candyfloss?

I'm all for experimentation and I've certainly lived a life to the full (no shit, Flaxen). But even I find this menage a trois mildly disturbing. Apart from the dominant-submissive vibe going on, the dog looks like he's done this before (how disturbing). Like the peanut butter Rover has to lick up later, this cover is tasteless. Nuff said.

Get into da pot. I'm sure the social warrior brigade, rabid lefties and other assorted mirthless nerks will be deeply offended by this stereotypical image of our dusky brethren. On a practical/prosaic note: It is totally unfeasible that the 'duskies' would be interested in eating an aged white woman- she would be far too tough and would take a lot of boiling. Best to fry a few local, tender, young virgins. I'm sure they are easy to obtain on the black market, just a spear chuck away from the Zambezi river. A gentle pan fry would undoubtedly do the trick especially if you add a few mushrooms and shallots. Apparently, it tastes like pork. Arse.  

This is an album cover from a 'group' called Menudo. They are interesting because they keep regenerating. The band never dies. As a member of the group ages, they are replaced by a younger boy. Tis a metaphor for life, perhaps. As far as I'm concerned they look like a bunch of greasy adolescent gypos (Hola!). Am I being racist? Of course, I am. However, I live in a country which pays lip service to the right of free speech and more importantly I'm imbued with a wicked sense of humour. Hola! On an unrelated point: I also like burning stuff.   

Of course, he touched you - Jimmy, go tell it to the police and child services. The Pastor is a bad seed and needs to be serving 20 to 30 in the local penitentiary. There he can be the focus of the romantic attention of his cellmate, Big Bad Bubba, the only pigmented albino in the world. Actually, that is not totally correct as I'm aware of a few other pigmented albinos. I see albinos, everywhere.

Why is it that religious album covers are so fucking creepy?

Mein Gott! Tis the Zombie Trio coming to eat your takeaway of fish and chips (sans brains) if you let them. This family needs to get out more, especially the son. Might be a good idea if he stopped eating all those purloined fish and chips. Pray for anorexia and a personality you fucking weirdo. Mom needs to cut down on the nutritional

 intake as well.

Can I borrow a cup of sugar? NO, FUCK OFF. I don't give gratuities to strange folk with dead soulless eyes and bad haircuts. Get ye to a barber, but not the one that Mr Ecosystem (see above) goes to. Have a nice short back and sides with a side salad of self-respect. And stop looking like a serial killer.

Poor Jenny didn't get the supper on the table on time. What do ya expect when a man comes home after a hard day's graft and doesn't get a hot meal on the table. Jenny has been idling away on the internet again when she should have been slaving over a hot oven. She's lucky he didn't rupture her spleen. Next time Jenny, next time......... 

Look Jimmy's all grown up and still been touched. Methinks he likes it now. C'mon Jimmy you be a full grown man, tell him/them to stop! I'm starting to get bored now. Perhaps one last album before bedtime.

We have identified the miscreants messing with young/old Jimmy! To be honest they look like the usual suspects. Would you hire this quartet as baby sitters? I say, hang them all and hang them high. The Lord can sort out the guilty from the innocent. It's okay Jimmy, the nightmares will stop now.

That's enough tasteless album covers and equally tasteless commentary. Well, I'm off to bed to sleep the sleep of the righteous and just. Toodly Pip for now.