Tuesday, 25 June 2019

The Adventures of George Formby and his Ukelele Grilling Banjo: Featuring, Shagger the Wonder Ferret

By day our intrepid hero, George Formby (for it is he), is a mild-mannered clerk at the Tipton Council, reviewing applications for Japanese sniper permits, but by night he transforms into the superhero, ‘George Formby and his ukelele grilling banjo’. Our daredevil superhero is ready to fight crime and minor littering offences and fend off the evil doings of the arch-villain, ‘Arthur Askey and his magic skateboard’. Diminutive Arthur became embroiled in a freak leg and cock ablation episode which robbed him of the power of independent locomotion and the ability to piss standing up due to his lack of legs and cock. By necessity evil Arthur teamed up with a skateboard of unknown, prior, provenance. It is said that the skateboard possessed outre magical powers. Thereby Arthur was able to propel himself (sans cock and legs) about the grime besmirched streets of Tipton. During his escapades, legless Arthur, no cock, would scour the borough looking for suitable places to deposit dog shit and sundry detritus to the chagrin of the local townsfolk. Our George (for it is still he) would spend the twilight hours seeking out evil Arthur in an attempt to thwart his nefarious and numerous littering offences and other reprehensible activities.

Twas just another Saturday evening for George, when out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Arthur in the act of wobbling a ferret of no fixed whiskers. “Hold hard there wicked Arthur and stop wobbling that ferret before he becomes too dizzy”. "Aha, Formby, you will never prevent acts of minor infringements against the family, Mustelidae (genus: Mustela )”. Aghast at the turn of events, George let loose his trusty grilling ukelele. The cast was true smiting Arthur’s never regions. However, as our legless fiend was bereft of cock this impeded his progress, not a jot and Arthur continued with his ferret inspired wobbling, unabated. Then fate conspired to lay low this heinous villain. For just at the moment the flying grill missed Arthur’s cock (he didn’t have one), the ferret partially recovered from a lull in the wobbling and proceeded to gnaw off one of Arthur’s fingers. Foiled again, our truncated villain made a hasty retreat on his skateboard leaving the mildly dizzy ferret supine on the grubby pavement. As he sped off, Arthur gave a cursory backward glance and shouted: “Drat you, George! Your grilling ukelele come banjo may have saved the ferret from a sound gyration, but I shall return to unleash a thousand furies and a few dog turds on the unsuspecting citizens/denizens of Tipton”.

Our hero, George, approached the prostrate ferret with tender ministrations and picked up the slightly discombobulated animal. George exposited thusly: “From this day forth I name thee, 'Shagger the Wonder Ferret’ and from now on we will forge a mighty duo to fight evil and ferret wobbling wherever it may be”. Shagger (for it is he), gave up his thanks by dropping the severed digit into George’s lap.

Henceforth, our dynamic twosome will bestride the streets of metropolitan Tipton (and parts of Netherton) forever vigilant for transgressors and particularly Arthur, the legless, cockless, fiendish villain of doom.

To be continued………..   

Shagger recovering from the wobbling