Thursday, 11 January 2018

Bouncy Bouncy

A2Z in repose

Breaking news from the humble/ tumble town of Tipton as it lies sweltering under an unseasonably hot meandering sun. For it can be revealed that the town’s married celeb couple, A2Z and Bouncy-Bouncy Big Fat, Arse (ARSE) have squeezed out twins.

The famed couple are renowned for their clog dancing renditions whilst juggling a brace of burning whippets- no mean feat, I can tell you. The highly talented pair have caused consternation and public furore after they decided to call ‘the fruits of their loins’ sensible names, to wit, Robert Cartier and Enid Cartier. Pundits and the public alike are notably and justifiably outraged. Leading impresario and chanteuse, Telescope Mugumbo, had this to say at a recent press conference: “Tis a bleeding liberty, innit. Why couldn’t they call their kids stupid names like Babylon Twinkle Juice the 3rd, or Fibble-Basket, Ptang, Ptang, Olay, Biscuit Barrel Cartier, like any other bleeding celeb? Makes my piss boil it surely does. Now every plebeian punter in a shell suit and sporting a mullet will be calling their snotty brats normal names. We can’t be having it and make no mistake"

A random citizen leaving the local hostelry, 'The Felching Ferret’ at closing time had this to say: “Ya fuckin bastid. I’ll bite ya nose orwf. Guv’ner, can ya spare 20 quid for a packet of fags and a brace of ‘Special Brew’? You are me bestest mate and I love ya, hic.”  

The town of Tipton, which spawned the golden couple, is languishing in a state of shock and rampant/stagnant despair. A well-known psychologist from the Tipton Institute of Difficult Thinking and Stuff, Dr Nipple Nose (wot, no Mugumbo?)  related/berated thusly: “I think from a deep psychological perspective we are seeing celebs digging deep into their pit of self-worth and re-examining, nay redefining, their role and paradigm in a post-modern society. The common folk will always ape and follow those deemed their superior thus fulfilling their atavistic need to feel inclusive and part of the tribe to which they are affiliated……”. The good doctor droned on in this manner for 50 minutes; the above represents the edited lowlights.  

A spokesman for the celebrity magazine, ‘Panty Hair’ gushed predictably. “Isn’t A2Z and Bouncy-Bouncy Big Fat, Arse just perfect and wonderful? I love every atom of their being as do the readership. However, I’m a little bemused and nonplussed that they seem fit to name their offspring with rather conventional monikers at the risk of losing their celeb royalty status”.

The rapper, Arnold Postlethwaite, expressed further concern: “I’m at a total loss to comprehend this grave phenomenon. I can only surmise that A2Z and Bouncy-Bouncy Big Fat, Arse, are suffering a temporary malady and fever of the brain. I pronounce a nostrum for what ails them: Take three parts laudanum; a ladle of bismuth and a tincture of aqua fortis. It is with great expectation that this concoction if imbibed daily, will offer restorative vigour and respite from this cardinal infraction and sin."

Already, the twins have their own perfume line and 40% shares in the Tipton fat rendering factory. I see a great future for these siblings, despite their sensible names. Indeed, their first album, the critically acclaimed: ‘Slap dat bitch, upside da head’ is due out next Tuesday. Wibble bollocks.

Bouncy Bouncy

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