Friday, 24 February 2017

Flaxen the Guru

Upon leaving the ‘Felching Ferret Hostelry’, Tipton, last Saturday night I became aware of a sudden spiritual rebirth. As urine trickled down my left leg, my soul and trouser leg became imbued with a warm moist awakening. I always knew I had the power to inspire and encourage the flow of bodily fluids and prana not only in myself but in others as well. Folk seeking distilled ethereal wisdom would often seek me out in the saloon bar and beseech me to share the knowledge of the ancients passed down generation after generation to special, insensitive initiates. I am one of those who has drunk deep from the well of unconsciousness (every Saturday night) and has become one with the universe and bed sheets. People have come to recognise that I’m a ‘font of insensible, arcane truth’. Indeed, as I leave the ‘Ferret’, folk will berate with the oft-shouted refrain: “Flaxen, you are a dozy font!”  

Consequently, and by request from Sharon the barmaid, I have decided to share my sapience to all folk who hunger for cognisance in a world obsessed with material wealth and the Kardashians. I am the way to spiritual nuance. Take large draughts from the chalice containing the pure spirit (150 proof) and revel in unrestrained, narcotic ecstasy. Heed my words and know peace.         

The following wisdom impinged upon my very being after waking up on a park bench, totally naked, at 4.00am in the morning, with a Chinaman sucking my toes.
Today’s lesson :    

We exist as sub-atomic particles.

You and I are starseeds of the galaxy. Freedom is the driver of rejuvenation.

This life is nothing short of a flowering paradigm shift of pranic rebirth.

The future will be an enlightened flowering of learning. Imagine a summoning of what could be. It is a sign of things to come.

Rebirth requires exploration. The goal of bio-electricity is to plant the seeds of serenity rather than bondage. By summoning, we self-actualize.

The complexity of the present time seems to demand an unveiling of our hearts if we are going to survive. Yes, it is possible to erase the things that can extinguish us, but not without coherence on our side. Illusion is the antithesis of balance.

Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the solar system via electromagnetic resonance. This story never ends. The dreamscape is approaching a tipping point. We must learn how to lead sacred lives in the face of bondage.

We are at a crossroads of aspiration and pain. Humankind has nothing to lose. Who are we? Where on the great journey will we be aligned? Are you ready?

Arse, wank, fick, bollocks

Next week Flaxen will dissect the essence of chi and place it in a bucket. 


  1. Regarding the likeness at the start of yoiur article believe you, Flaxen Saxon, are none other than Ben Turpin and I claim my prize!

    1. Ted, I wonder how many folk would get the Ben Turpin reference.

  2. May the candles on your cake burn like cities in your wake
    Happy birthday you old cunt!

    1. Thanks Mr D. As you no doubt noticed from our skype interaction the other day, I'm becoming prettier as I age......