Nil Point

That's what you call a 10 pint woman

It was announced today by the 'Eurovision Song Committee' that this year's song contest will be hosted by none other than the delightful metropolitan township of Dudley nestling comfortably in the capacious and desirable bosom of the West Midlands. The competing nations are recruiting their best musical talent and several countries have already announced their entries and performing artistes.

The Tipton entry will be performed by the cheery, chirpy cockney sparrow, George Formby, assisted and accompanied by his pet ferret 'Shagger' on bassoon. Arthur Askey will chime in with a rendering rendition on the harmonious 'George Formby Grilling ukulele'

Britain's entry will feature the bouffant coiffured, chanteuse of yesteryear, Dame Cliff Richard. Cliff will be self-accompanied on his electronic Zimmer frame. He will perform a heart wrenching warble of his self-acclaimed song: 'Vacation period, parasitic plant and ethanol enhanced beverage of colour'.

Norway is expected to showcase their national song: 'Ping pong, tiddly poo, Cuthbert, Dribble and Grubb, arse. Whilst Germany in keeping with their 'Welcoming Kultur' and new found fondness for bearded women have decided that this year's entry should ably and duly reflect this. In accordance with this unbidden circumstance, the hapless trio, 'The Amazing Exploding Brothers' will perform for, our cultural edification, a song from their latest album, 'Subtle and Reflective Moods', their lilting and captivating harmony: 'Sharia we go to the beheading of the filthy infidel this Thursday Evening after Coronation Street?'. The song's melody reaches a crescendo of cacophony before predictably exploding in a flash of impending doom. The song is universally acclaimed as a masterpiece of the decapitation genre. As expected, the chuckle brothers will perform last, and predictably, are destined to bring the house down.

During the interval, Cliff's caterwauling will be interrupted and the audience will be subjected to an extravaganza never performed on daytime tele. For their delectation, a troop of partially trained and distemper free whippets will prance the light fandango, fantastic whilst ensconced in pink tutus. Now you truly know why no one pays for their television license these days. There will be an extensive hiatus prior to the chorus for the changing of Cliff's colostomy bag. Bugger nuts.

                  Guess who forgot to pack his medication?