Saturday, 25 April 2015

Wots wrong with the yoof of today.......

Dudley Town Centre in times of yore

Dudley is a town in crisis. Every Saturday night the town centre is deserted. Bereft of revellers as the youth of the town stay firmly at home, pressing digits, with their digits, on their latest iphone. Gone are the days when drunken revellers lurched precariously between bars and night spots consuming vast quantities of cheap liquor. What has happened to the streams of bright urine cascading their way from shop to pavement? Half eaten kebabs used to mingle and dally with the blood and dog shit. Inappropriately attired 'young ladies' teetered alarmingly on impossibly high heels screeching discordant and resonating exhortations. What has happened to the lads in tee shirts supping unerringly from cans of 'Special Brew' and knocking seven shades of shit out of each other? Gone are those happy days.

At a specially convened crisis meeting at 'Dudley Town Hall', the incumbent Mayor, Mr Eli MacVowel (no relation), vocalised profusely: "It is time for our inebriated youth to reclaim the Town Centre. The late teenage and early 20s are the most informative times of their lives. If they remain sober how are they to experience the delights of ending up comatose in the gutter or waking up next to a complete stranger. Where will be their vast repertoire of 'off colour' anecdotes. In response to this problem I have vowed to go on a two month, all expense paid, fact finding mission to the south of France. Aiding me in this important work will be the resident concubine and nurse, Miss Flappy Old-Trout".    
Nurse Flappy: woof, bloody woof

A life long Dudley resident, Mrs Edna Mugumbo, interpolated: "I despair of our teenagers, I really do. In my day we used to be pissed from noon until 3 O'clock in the morning, rampaging through the streets and abusing passerby's with the chirpy refrain, 'Eh you, yes you with the big fat arrrse' (arse)! But these days I am confronted with sober youths, singularly or in pairs, bidding me, 'good evening, maaaam".

Mr Khan, of Mr Khan's 'Cheap Liquor Emporium', echoed similar sentiments: "It's a fickin disaster, innit. I've got hundreds of crates of alcopops and white cider sitting on my shelves. All the teenagers want these days is detofuinated tofu flavoured spa water".       

One of the culprits of this despicable and reprehensible behaviour, Mr Studious Mugumbo, had this to say: "I really don't have time to drink alcohol. I've got my mid-semester exams in a week and I've still got to complete my seminal essay: 'The impact of the British Empiricists on contemporary thought with special emphasis on David Hume'.  Also, alcohol impairs both logical and non-linear thought processes".                  

The world is doomed..........

Those bygone halcyon days


  1. I hate dumb people, the problem is everyone under 40 seems to be dumb an many of those over 40 are losing the will to live.
    I had the MOST horrendous bus journey of my life yesterday. A/ surrounded by Mugumbos who stank of stale BO. B/ a drunk man winding up a chav family woes children could not behave for toffees. They screamed the entire journey whist jumping up and down on the seats and yelling like banshees for the entire 45 minute ride, There was even a young girl on the bus who was so fed up she put her head phones on and turned her music up full blast. So it was not just the old fogies annoyed by the level of parental control. GOD I HATE PEOPLE.

    1. Indeed, Kath, the world has gone mad. For me, and you, we will escape the ultimate madness because we will be dead. But what about our children and grandkids. Frankly, I despair.

    2. I agree with you utterly, death can not come soon enough quite frankly.
      I too despair and worry for my grandson.
      But wot can ya do blud innit.

    3. Basically, people are shit

    4. That they are, Dioclese. Thank God for my cats, who keep me sane - and busy, of course: dogs have masters, but cats have staff.

  2. Spot on Flaxen the youth of today aint interested in real ale, guest ale, craft beers or any booze infact, its only the most trendy nightspots that will have pissed up teenagers spewing up and ripping of shirts to fight each other....go 20 meters in either direction for 10 miles and its deserted of youth.

    Pubs are full of old folk eating and hardcore 50 somethings who a have found tiny cliques of like minded pissheads in obscure pubs to be miserable with.

    Youth don't want beer....they want Starbucks and free wifi instead....or drugs.

    Smoking ban...fucking loonies still think the Pub decline is down to that, pubs don't exsist its hot competition between restuarants that now uses these premises thats the blame for closures and the young don't wan to be in those places either.

    Its only going to get worse.