Thursday, 31 July 2014

Shit Inventions: The bit after the last bit.

Me photo you long time
Looking to take the perfect 360 degree, panoramic photo? Then look no more. Simply use Dr Tipton Mugumbo's all seeing cameras. With one click you can capture the perfect moment in time. Not only do you get an image of the drunken hobo/gypo in front of you but you also get the perfect rendition of the pervert behind you having a crafty wank.


One for you baldy bastards
Have any of you bald cunts wondered what it would be like to have a rug strapped to your head? Then wonder no more! Simply put on Dr Tipton Mugumbo's 'rug hat' and you'll be the envy of all the other slap heads. Pretty women will swoon at the sight and strong men will become weak at the knees. Arse.


You see the man in the picture above? Men who look like this don't need a bra. At Saxon enterprises we have identified our demographic and they look more like this.

Thanks for the mammaries
  This condition is called gynaecomastia. Frankly, if I had tits like this I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I would be too busy exploring my feminine side.


Dr Tipton Mugumbo inventing shit




Monday, 28 July 2014

The War to End all Wars

                                                   Corporeal Hitler in Repose 
                                                 
One hundred years ago today the Great War began. On the eve of war, Sir Edward Grey, the British Foreign Secretary had this to say: "The lamps are going out all over Europe, we shall not see them lit again in our life-time."  Some reckon the lamps never came back on.

The legacy of the First World War is our modern world. Few today realise the significance of this great conflict and its role in molding our present.

The First World and the Birth of our World
There has been much nonsense said and written about the First World War. The popular, and enduring image, is of brave, young, idealistic soldiers led by callous well-fed generals situated many miles from the front. The myth lingers and echoes of 'lions led by donkeys' can still be heard today. Of course there is some truth in this, as in all great myths. But this is not the whole truth. The losses of men and material were indeed phenomenal. With our modern minds we find it hard to fathom how men endured; their mindset is alien and beyond our comprehension. Losses encountered then would be unthinkable today. The irony of course is that our modern mindset, and the birth of the modern world, is largely due to the First World War. And yet most people today would be hard put to even state, with any accuracy, the date it began.

Strength in Defense
The dilemma faced by military leaders, of all the warring states, in the First World War was that defence had become immensely strong. But wars are not won by those applying wholly defensive strategies. Wars are won by the offensive. To rely totally on defence is to cede initiative to those who are prepared to attack. The reasons why defense had become so strong are many. The bolt action rifle, the machine gun and cannon capable of delivering high explosive are obvious causes. Barbed wire made a cheap but efficient means of checking an advance, or at least holding it until the machine gun had done its work. Less obvious causes relate to transport. Breakthrough could be achieved by huge effort. Advance could only occur, at best, at the pace of a man's walk. Those on the defensive could rush fresh soldiers to plug the gap by motor vehicle or more usually by train. The aggressor tired, and now without heavy artillery, would be faced by fresh and well provisioned opponents. Eventual victory would go to those who continued to attack. They would have to accept the high casualty list; those relying on defence would eventually run out of land. The trick of course, for the attacker, was not to run out of men before this. The Russians were perhaps an exception. They could retreat a very long way and still remain in the war; their man supply was almost limitless. Other forces would come to underlie their eventual defeat. All the warring states appreciated these facts and all pursued, in the main, an aggressive attacking stance throughout. This is not to say that all states fought on the offensive at all times on all fronts. No state had the wherewithal for this. Defence and relative inactivity were necessary at times. But if not actively engaged in the offensive the warring nations were planning for the attack.

Casualty Rates and the First World War
The generals expected and prepared for high casualty rates. As one French general put it: 'Whatever you do, you lose a lot of men'. On the first day of the Somme the British suffered 60,000 casualties By the end of the offensive, three and a half months later, 420,000 men had been lost. The Germans suffered 650,000 losses in men. Although on the defensive, German doctrine of the time demanded aggressive counterattacks to take back lost ground. In this way they suffered the disadvantages of both defence and attack.

War Without End
Thoughtful men argued that there must be another way to achieve victory. But no one could suggest how. There was no other way. Instruments designed to address the balance between attack and defence were available to First World War generals, but they had not yet achieved battlefield mastery. The tank and aeroplane would eventually tip the balance in favour of the attacker, but that would have to await another war. The consequences of losing the war were unthinkable. And so men continued to fight and die. Resources available to both sides in men and material were vast; industrialisation assured that. Victory and peace could not be achieved without great cost. Some thought the war would never end.

Kaiser Schlacht
All wars end. The First World War ended in November 1918. The beginning of the end occurred in the preceding March. This started with the 'Kaiser's battle'. The Germans thought that this western offensive would end the war and in a way they were right. The Germans quickly gained swathes of French territory. The reasons why they succeeded where others had failed will not be considered here, though it is fair to say that new tactics were only partially responsible. But even the mighty German army could not overcome the principles of war. Impressive gains were mirrored by impressive casualty lists. At the battle's end the Germans had lost at least 800,000 men.The German army could not sustain such losses at this time in the war. The initiative went to the allies. The allies continued to attack until the very end, although their gains in land were modest.

War to End all Wars
The war ended on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. It is estimated that  8.5 million soldiers died in the war. After such sacrifice surely the world would become a better place? A naive sentiment perhaps, but laudable even so; disillusionment would set in later.






Sunday, 27 July 2014

'Eating poo is good for you'


Eating poo is a therapy, no shit. Okay, in all seriousness the process involves the ingestion of faeces orally or trans-rectally as a treatment for a variety of conditions, including bowel disease, type 2 diabetes and a whole host of inflammatory conditions. Inflammatory bowel disorders can have many causes however, one of the causes may be down to having the wrong bacteria in your gut. By ingesting faeces from a healthy donor you can replace pathogenic bacteria with a healthy bacterial flora. These commensal bacteria are essential for normal nutrition and are key to maintaining health. Recent research suggests that the human gut may contain up to 30,000 different species of bacteria.

Due to the over use of antibiotics, disease causing bacteria are becoming increasingly resistant to conventional antibiotic treatment. Resistant organisms are posing serious problems and concerns for doctors treating infectious disease. Faecal transplants have been shown to be highly effective in treating patients with antibiotic resistant Clostridium difficule infections. In the US alone, this infection is responsible for 110,000 deaths a year.

 
Faecal therapy was once considered a last line treatment for disease. However, due to its effectiveness, it is fast becoming the first line treatment of choice for a range of disparate disorders.     

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Should have spent the wedding money on dentistry and a haircut

  The best man has eaten the ring
                                            
Currently I’m going through my redneck phase although I suspect this photo is staged. There are just too many cliches for it to ring true. 

Okay, so let’s see if we can spot all the obvious stereotypes:

  • Trailer park
  • Cigarette and beer in hand
  • Obligatory mullet
  • Missing teeth
  • She’s pregnant
  • Sleeveless groom and check shirt
  • Large dog as best man
  • Inappropriate foot wear
But where are the tattoos?

Have I missed any?

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Prelude to the Great War

Nice hat Mr B

We are fast approaching the  hundredth  anniversary of the start of the Great War. The war to end all wars. Therefore to mark this momentous event, I have decided to run a series of posts outlining why the war began, why it continued and why it was so costly. This is, of course, my personal viewpoint and therefore may not be correct. But, it seems to me, that anyone’s interpretation of history’s pivotal events is as good as anyone else’s. Or could I be spouting total bollocks?   
        
On the 28th July 1914, Europe went to war. Some think that war at that time was inevitable. Certainly there were tensions between the Great Powers. But this had always been so. The problem of course was Germany. After unification in 1871, Germany became a great power. Previously it had been a collection of weak states in varying degrees of civilisation. Unification came when Prussia became preeminent in war. Feudal, stupid and brutal Prussia dominated its more civilised brethren.

Until then Europe’s leading powers had been France, Britain, Austria-Hungary and looming on the periphery, Russia. This was the status quo, until Germany arrived. With power came ambition. Germany wanted the trappings that the other Great Powers had. Like the late guest to the party it surveyed an empty table. It wanted an empire and it wanted international respect. It also needed allies. Accord with Germany’s ancient foe, France was out of the question. The annexation of French territory after the Franco-Prussian war of 1870 ruled out any compact with the proud French. Austria-Hungary seemed a natural ally. Germany shared borders and a language with the ramshackle empire. A military pact with Austria meant that an accommodation with Russia was impossible. Austria had quarrels with the Great Bear and many of Austria’s subjects were Slavs who despised the Teuton and looked east for their salvation.

Great Britain was a distinct possibility. Britain and Prussia had been allies in the past against Napoleon. The British had no love for the French. The problem was that the Kaiser had his heart set upon building a great navy. He was not content with the world’s greatest army. His vanity wanted a large fleet and he set about achieving his goal with astonishing energy. Britain, rightly saw this as threat. Britain’s predominance at sea had been unchallenged for three centuries. The appearance of this vigorous upstart building large warships caused alarm. Britain’s suggested limitations on Germany’s navy seemed to the Germans unfair, especially as Britain could continue building its ships. Germany had a large army, industry, and now wanted its navy. However, this was short sighted international policy. Germany was a land power and did not require a large navy to protect colonies it did not have. A large navy was an exercise in shear naked power and prestige. But the outcome was a potential and powerful ally, lost.       


Hereward The Wake

'Kill a Frenchy for god'

You should never meet your hero, and certainly not twice. My hero was Mr Johnson, my mathematics teacher. He taught me the beauty of the infinitesimal calculus. Apparently Newton and Leibnitz fell out over who discovered it first. My money is on Newton, although we use Leibnitz’s notation. Interesting that the two greatest intellects ever, happened to be contemporary.  After I left school (Tipton Secondary Modern), we went our separate ways. Then when I turned 21 I came across him once again in the local pub; he was pissed. Later I came across him in the local park sucking off another man. That explains why he never married. I don’t have a problem with homosexuality and could care less about folk’s sexuality. It was just tawdry, that’s all. My hero no more.

Friday, 18 July 2014

Everyone Loves a Clown

         
The Great Suspendo

Everyone loves clowns, don’t they? I remember as a kid in the 1960’s going to see the circus at ‘Tipton Fields’. This was the good old days when they actually had animals: performing elephants; a horse which could count to six, and this was before calculators. I was absolutely, fucking, mesmerised. The star of the act was the ‘Great Suspendo’, the trapeze performer. He emerged from a great height in a sequined leotard and to stupendous applause. He seemed to whizz through the air with the greatest of ease. My bright, upturned, blue eyes withheld wonder. How could a poor boy from the Black Country not be enthralled? Anyway, seems some daft local boy, employed on day’s wages, had forgot to secure one of the ropes and the ‘Great Suspendo’ fell 30 foot into a pile of elephant shit. As if on cue/poo a claque of clowns emerged. All bright, frantic and full of noise. They seemed to detract from the drab stage hands who rushed to collect the supine form of Suspendo. They even had someone raking sand over the blood spurge. Now that’s what you call professionalism.  

Well, Suspendo spent the next 12 weeks in the Dudley Royal Infirmary. The medics patched him up according to their relative skills. However somewhere, either individually or collectively, they fell short. Suspendo was never quite the same. He developed a limp and a speech impediment. He would never take to the high wire again.

Circus folk look after their own and he ran his course as a clown, until he drunk himself to death circa 1972.  

Now if you don’t find this inspiring, then you ain’t no clown.

Here are some clowns which everyone should see occasionally, if only in his/her dreams. Arse.



Kid, c'mon see my Big Mac



A Clown best relegated to experimentation with all things psychedelic


The REM sleep clown, but only if you are lucky


But this one is my personal fav