Whilst contemplating my life over a pint of 'Ol HMS Plop Plop, the Third', a fine ale brewed locally in the trendy micro-brewing district of the Royal Municipal town of Tipton, I espied the approach of a young man intent on gaining my attention. He hovered tentatively within my orbit and asked if he could buy me a drink. I regarded my innocuous assailant with a steely blue eye. The other eye wandered upon the well-appointed frame of the hostelry's serving wench with frank approval- I digress. I scanned the expansive/expensive drink menu and finely decided to sample a pint of 'Ol Fanny Fart, Legs Akimbo'. Allegedly, a brew of boundless fruity proportions. My newly acquainted imbibing associate ambled off to the walnut-appointed bar to obtain our beverages, thus, providing a natural hiatus to the unfolding proceedings.
On return, my guest, after taking a halting drink of his ale- 'Ol Knee Wobbler, Wokey Pokey', ejaculated accordingly: "O wise Flaxen, a man of renown throughout the black country, a man gifted with rare prescience and sagacity. I seek to tap the wisdom that courses through your veins, like a ferret in a drain pipe, and wallow and absorb/adsorb your perspicacity. Tell me, wise one, what are the fundamental secrets to living the best life. Flaxen, I beseech you'' My visage became misty as I entered an ethanol-fueled reverie........ What follows is a phantasm of a mind, a figment of a scarcely and rarely divined consciousness.
The Rules of Life as Related by the Flaxen-Haired One. Please note: what follows is in no particular order of importance and is from the perspective of a heterosexual male.
Be born between 1955 and 1961
Be white and aesthetically pleasing to the beholder
Born in a Western country
A recipient of inherited wealth
Be kind to animals
Treat folk with courtesy and respect unless they show you otherwise
Own a ferret and name it Shagger
Everything is fleeting
Fret not about those things you can't change
Enjoy all the fruits that the senses demand
Obtain an education according to your want
Escew religion in all its guises
Have no more friends than fingers on your left hand after a chainsaw accident
Have no truck with politics and politicians
Associate not with fools (see above)
Be content; happiness is fleeting
Try everything once except incest and country dancing
Imbibe deeply but never appear drunk
Induction is supreme
Use sanity sparingly
Do not posit above what is necessary
Without evidence, you have nothing
Morality is subjective except for the 'Golden Rule.'
Strength through pain
Marry wise, if not at all
Be bereft of neighbours
Pyrophillia is not arson
Thirst for knowledge
Take heed of smart folk
From wealth comes leisure for contemplation.
Do not add sugar to homemade pickles
"The above is mere commentary. Go forth and live a life worthwhile." My guest recoiled and said: "Sir, this is undoubtedly stern counsel and sound advice as far as it goes. But where is a consideration of the inner psyche, the very soul of man. How am I to find inner peace". I drank deeply of my ale and responded thusly: "Attend to what I have said, and what you seek will follow. I have no more to say".