|Sharon in Repose|
Great news from the humble Hamlet of Tipton as it nestles within the folds of its grime besmirched coal fields. For it can be revealed today that Tipton is about to receive a state visit from the diminutive juvenile environmental activist and annoying twat, Sharon Thunderberg-Whine. As you will no doubt be aware, Sharon obtained international stardom after burning down her school in her native Dudley as a protest against emissions from burning fossil fuels and the ubiquitous presence of ugly smelly people. She has inspired mentally challenged pupils throughout the world to set fire to their schools in a mass conflagration of mass ignorance.
Little Miss Sunshine
Little miss wonderful will arrive in Tipton by a luxurious and sumptuously appointed barge. In order to save the earth’s precious resources, she will travel up the Dudley to Tipton canal in a barge powered by ferrets. The ferrets will be cunningly arrayed in serried ranks and their little scurrying feet will turn a spindle attached to an oil-burning turbine. In addition, little solar panels have been sewn into their skin and if the guttering Tipton sun manages to break through the smog it will provide enough energy to light one of Greta’s cigarettes (non-filtered, of course). Once alighted, Greta will address a meeting of the Amalgamated Research Society for the Environment (ARSE) in the well-appointed town hall next to the gas works and the lard rendering facility.
Little Miss Gobshite
Previously, she has presided over meetings as far away as Birmingham. In one speech she described the West Midlands as a shit hole full of unwholesome, smelly poor people. In a flood of tears, she blurted out that she didn’t want to live in a world where women shop at Aldi in housecoats and slippers. A world where gas emissions vented by people subsisting on a diet of kebabs, chips and blue pop fill the atmosphere like a miasma of doom. She wanted a future populated by nice, quiet, middle-class folk. Folk who can read and string together coherent sentences and don’t fart in public. She expostulated, in between vales/hails of tears, that she would burn down every school in the West Midlands if that is what it would take to achieve her dream.
Fifteen Minutes of Pain
Miss Thunderberg-Whine has been lauded for her lifestyle and pundits have implored the populace to do as she tells them. She eats only pig’s pudding and whelks washed down with copious amounts of brown Ale. She smokes only the finest non-filtered fags with a carbon emission footprint of a Yeti. It has been speculated that Sharon (pronounced Sharone) is the greatest thing to hit the West Midlands since the German bombing raid of March 1941. It has been put forth by folk, who talk loudly in Indian restaurants, that Greta is likely to win this years prestigious ‘Scowling in Pigtails Award’. An award originally inaugurated by the Tipton impresario, Alfred Nobhead in 1911 for the citizen with the best scowl whilst sporting a pigtail.
Smelly People and Ferrets
Miss Thunderberg-Whine has not gone forth without criticism. It has been pointed out that the ferrets propelling the barge are apt to release tons of methane gas from their anal glands. In addition, the barge crew is perhaps the smelliest, poorest and most uneducated folk in the Greater Tipton Metropolis. This has prompted some to state that Greta’s penchant for burning down our education edifices is only going to compound the problem she is advocating against, moving forward.
The Inevitable, Mrs Mugumbo
Mrs Impromptu Mugumbo of no fixed bowel movements had this to say when berated by an intrepid reporter in Tipton High Street yesterday: “I wish she would just piss off and return to the obscurity she undoubtedly deserves. Why should we listen to a 16-year-old schoolgirl with mental health issues and who clearly has no conceptual grasp of the complex issues she bangs on about. Go back to your special school and obtain some well-needed education. You are being indulged and cynically exploited by politicians and sundry hippy types. Your unrealistic childlike dream is a but a gossamer phantasm fueled by environmental left-wing liberals with a wider agenda. Perhaps when you are older you will gain a little wisdom and humility. Then you may be qualified to hold forth on some of the world’s most complex and intractable problems. However, by then no one will be listening to you as will have been consigned to the rubbish bin of history".
Wise words Mrs Mugumbo, wise words, indeed……..