The unkindest cut of all

Humble Guru in action. Fuck, you could lose a badger in that beard. Arse.

You really can't make this shit up. India's 'Guru in Bling', Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh, is under investigation over allegations that he coerced 400 of his followers to undergo the finality and indignity of castration. Even so, giving up 'da jewels' without a deign of protest is odd, especially amongst 400 lusty men folk. The Guru argued, with scant justification, that those lacking in 'nads' would be closer to God. Obviously the Swami doesn't have to undergo surgery to snuggle up to the Divinity close and personal. He wisely decided to keep his testicles in the love pouch, as God intended. Yea, the disciples testicles didn't come off all at once but over a decade. To contemplate mass mutilation in one sitting is sublime insanity, surely? We should take comfort that the castrations were carried out by bona fide medical doctors under the instruction of da Guru.

Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh (for it is he) is a controversial figure in his native India but nonetheless is revered and adored by his adherents. He is a flamboyant character/caricature given to the wearing of much gold jewellery. This humble holy man can afford it with an estimated wealth of  $50,000,000.   

Castration has always been a short cut to sanctity. Without the troublesome dangly bits which are the powerhouse of testosterone production, provoking all things sexual, a man can wholly devote his body and being to things spiritual. Without the intrusion of thoughts carnal and the consequent, and inevitable thrusting, a non-tumescent 'man' can focus on devotion incarnate. Twas Saint Origen who set the agenda. Origen gasped amongst humanity between 185AD and 254AD and was undoubtedly a devout follower of the Christ child. He became mired in ecclesiastical dispute due to his heretical teachings. One man's heresy is another man's doctrinal dogma. He pondered mightily on such germane concepts as, the pre-existence of souls and the subordination of the Son of God to God the Father. Good man that Origen.

With all the able men of the time arguing about the fine tuning of religious dogma no wonder the Empire collapsed. The Emperor would have been better served if the fine minds of the time had been harnessed to solving the real practical problems of the day, such as keeping the barbarian hordes at bay. A better stone throwing weapon would help, mayhap some bright sod could have invented gunpowder. I've digressed.

Back to the good Guru. Gurmeet is no stranger to accusation. Apparently, he previously faced accusations of sexually abusing his female followers- dat where the dangly bits come in handy. Also, conspiracy charges were forthcoming concerning the murder of a journalist in 2002 who had the temerity to wag and point his finger and suggest that the self appointed, but immensely popular 'Guru', was a complete fraud. Tis enough to make you cynical, innit.  

To my mind, any man who allows anyone to touch their bollocks with a knife deserve all they get, genuine medical vasectomy-ites  inclusive.  Although, in the latter category, when the ligature slips off, I  share their pain, I really do.

Watch and weep. Oh, by the way he is a movie super hero. These days, aren't we all.

Election fever cometh......

Mr Vole-Strangler canvassing for votes

The forthcoming General Election has forced the main political parties to publically state and defend their respective manifestos; lay bare their constitutional aims and to display their political wares on the stall of public scrutiny for all the electorate to view and digest. Fuck bucket.

Electioneering starts in earnest in the picturesque Spa town of Dudley. The incumbent Conservative Mayor, Mr Enoch Vole-Strangler, is campaigning on the dual ticket of annexation of Tipton and free pizza for the electorate. In addition, he will maintain the status quo and ensure that the council's ‘expense’ budget remains unaccountable/uncountable by the auditors. He will also invoke the hereditary principle whereby all his legitimate offspring are guaranteed candidature in safe seats, for life, in nice profitable upper middle class neighbourhoods.

Vole-Wrangler faces stiff opposition from a glittering array of political parties featuring:-

The Dudley Independence Party fronted by Mr Eli Mirage: Mr Mirage is also standing on the free pizza platform (next to the 3.30pm train to Stourbridge), but in contrast to Mr Vole-Dangler, this concession will not extend to dirty, filthy gypos and those swarthily complected (not a  real word). Also, he remains committed to removing Dudley from the West Midland Economic Union. He avers that that the good citizens of Dudley have devolved too much power to the ‘fat ferrets’ of Birmingham City Municipal Council. He vows to regain Dudley’s political independence and stem the flow of funds to the coffers of Westmidlands- funds which are being squandered on free pizza for the whole metropolitan district.

Bureaucratic 'fat ferret'

Mr Youhudi  Bignose from the 'Labour party’ (aka The raving monster loony party) has declared that, if elected, his party would squander the town’s gelt on grandiose public funded schemes; cancel all debt and introduce a prohibitive tariff on anyone with a job and not disposed to demanding benefits with menaces. The feckless and workshy will profit greatly from his proposals and, in addition to free pizza, will receive a 100% increase in largesse together with a promise that they will never have to work again. Furthermore, 50% of Dudley’s GDP will be siphoned off to General Despot Mugumbo of the Democratic Republic of Mumbojumboland in West Africa. The Labour party will keep its fingers crossed and hope that the psychotic, egocentric General will filter the money down to his oppressed and poverty stricken people and not spend it on a lavish lifestyle, a gold Rolls Royce and developing nuclear weapons. 

   

The Green party stand on the platform above, except that free pizza will be completely made of tofu and lentils. In addition, the voting franchise will be extended to all trees, except the native ones. It will be a capital offense to speak ill of vegetable matter. All electric power will be derived from perpetual motion machines thus negating the use of fossils fuels which represent unfair exploitation of long dead plant material.   

Let me introduce your Green candidate

A life long resident of Dudley, Mrs Edna Fuckwit, said in a recent poll: “I’m voting for that nice Mr Mussolini. At least he made the trains run on time. I hope this time they don’t hang him upside from a lamp post and shoot him." 

Mussolini extolling the virtues of free pizza

The good Burghers of Dudley await the election results with trembling, intrepid, trepidation……… Arse.

Ebola Tombola

Professor Ebola Mugumbo searching for the 'cure'

We haven’t heard much of the ebola scare of late. But a scant few months ago it was all over the news. Vaunted as the ‘Doomday Bug’, we were constantly regaled by swivel eyed scientists and politicians about how we were all going to die, horribly, horribly…… Then something new bumped ebola from the front pages. It might have been images of decadent Westerners getting their heads sawn off, I can’t actually remember.

There is no doubt that the ebola virus is particularly virulent with a 90% kill rate. But sober appreciation is required. Since 1976, an estimated 2,500 people worldwide have succumbed to the disease. Contrast this with the 30,000 deaths in the US alone due to influenza, per year. However, unlike influenza, there is no evidence that ebola is an airborne pathogen which can be passed on by coughs and sneezes. Indeed, direct contact with bodily fluids is required for the virus to be transmitted. Even then, the virus has to enter through a cut in the skin or by contact with mucous membranes. 

Few in the West fear the influenza virus, although the avian strains detected 10 years ago provoked a similar 'panic button' response. It is salutary to recall that the 'Spanish flu' of 1918 killed 100 million people and accounted for more than five times the deaths suffered in the First World War.

Decades of conflict, poverty and lack of modern medical facilities are the likely explanation for ebola's prevalence in West Africa. Poor hygiene and traditions of close contact with dead relatives don't help. Funeral traditions often require relatives to wash the corpse multiple times over several days. Paradoxically, the deadliness of the disease and the rapid onset of symptoms to death limit the ability of the disease to spread. Countries with a modern infrastructure, efficient medical systems and sanitary living conditions have little to fear. One positive aspect of the 'scaremongering' has been the prodigious effort placed by Western governments and health care systems into developing vaccines. Candidate vaccines are currently undergoing animal trials and it is predicted that an effective treatment for the ebola virus will be available later this year. Shame that an antidote can't be found for the epidemic of strife, ignorance and economic ruin which runs rampant through much of the Dark Continent. Alas, I fear there is no known nostrum for these ills.

Cured by Ipod Mugumbo. That'll be three chickens- thank you very much

Vowel Town will rise again!

Dudley: "Venice of the West Midlands"

After unprecedented rain, the Dudley to Birmingham canal burst its banks yesterday spewing millions of tons of turgid water and associated detritus over the once picturesque spa town. Rusty prams and dead gypos have been deposited as far as the roof of  'Mr Patel's Emporium for Cheap and Shoddy Crap.' In a recent interview, Mr Patel had this to say: "It is an unmitigated disaster, innit. All my plastic models of Noah's Ark and pieces of 'The true Cross of Christ' have floated clean away and have been replaced with rusty bicycles and a dead tramp called, 'Filthy Eric.' It will be days before I can remove all the pieces of Eric, from the till."

A crisis team has been hastily put together and led by the incumbent Mayor, the Right Honourable, Enoch Vowel. Mr Vowel pontificated lyrically from his hilltop mansion today: "I am directing rescue operations from my comfortable and dry six-bedroom mansion. I have been sequestered in the master bedroom with my voluptuous secretary, Miss Fanny Akimbo, working on a plan for the rejuvenation of Dudley town centre. After teaching Miss Akimbo to read and write I will rapidly move on to formulate the rebuilding of Dudley, or as it will be subsequently known: 'Vowel Town'."

Vowel contemplating Fanny

A life long resident of Dudley, Mrs Teapot O'Mugumbolinski, waxed verily: "This used to be a great place to live until dead foreigners started to float onto my property. I now have a Lithuanian growing in my garden. Although I have to admit, the plastic rendition of Noah's Ark which washed up on my sideboard is a sheer delight. And the pieces of the 'True Cross' have come in very handy in relieving the burden of my ear wax build up." Mrs Teapot O'Mugumbolinsky drowned later that day.

Mrs Teapot 'I don't like darkies' O'Mugumbolinski just prior to the immersion

      

The Illusory Prospect of Peace

Humanity, in war?

By spring 1915, the war on the Western Front had settled down to stalemate and static warfare. None of the combatants had expected this and were largely unprepared for this new form of large scale siege warfare. The reasons for stasis have been discussed elsewhere.  

Wise politicians and even a few generals, on all sides, realised that the power to break the lines and, therefore, end the war was beyond the power of any nation. Therefore, they concluded that the war would be a long drawn out affair lasting years. Victory would go to the side with the greater resources; economic; material and ultimately, and sadly, men.  It was feared that the fabric of European civilisation would be rent asunder and the victor would be no better off than the vanquished.

Approaches for peace were  considered with various degrees of sincerity by all combatants. Between 1915-1916 the Germans directed their attention at detaching allies. Thus their policy was not designed for peace directly, but for the successful prosecution of war and therefore a peace imposed by German might. The Germans contacted the Russians in 1915 through intermediaries and proposed a separate peace. With Russia neutralised, the German army in the East could redeploy on the Western Front. However, at this time the Russian Tsar felt honour bound to uphold his alliance with his Western partners. The Western allies considered offering terms to the Austro-Hungarians. Again this was a ploy to break up and weaken the enemy alliance. This plan was always a nonstarter.  Even if the Austro-Hungarians wanted peace, they could never oblige. They had become fiercely shackled to their senior partner and the Germans were not likely to hand over the key to release the Austrians from wartime servitude.   

The Americans at the end of 1916  proposed a ‘Peace Plan’ based on the principle of ‘No indemnities and no annexation’ and invited the belligerents to formulate war aims.  The plan pleased no one and was rejected out of hand by the Germans. The Allied response was shrewd. They couched their response in idealistic terms hoping to sway American politicians and public opinion. The document was not conceived as the basis for serious negotiation.  It may have achieved its aim, but it was not instrumental in converting the Americans to war;  U- boats would make this so.

The Germans in early 1916 tried again to break up the Western alliance. This time they planned to apply military attrition in cynical earnest. They hoped to bleed the French army white during the battle of Verdun. Artillery would do the killing and German manpower would be conserved. In this way, they would knock France out of the war so they could concentrate their main effort against the British. At this stage of the war, the Germans had recognised, and I think rightly so, that the British were their most formidable and implacable foe. The gambit failed, mainly because the Germans became intoxicated by the battle. Ultimately, they suffered as many causalities as the French. The war would continue, although no one could conceive how to win, or whether victory was desirable or even possible.

All nations perceived the war as one of defence. To return to the status quo would leave them as vulnerable as before. Also, even by the early stages of the war, the belligerents had suffered horrendous sacrifice and causalities. To return to peace would have meant sacrifice in vain. No matter that the sacrifices to come would be greater.

The politicians and press had whipped their respective civilian populations into a frenzy of indignation and patriotic fervour. For most nations the war had taken on the aspect of a crusade: ‘The Beastly Hun;’ The Asiatic Hordes.’ This of course was sound policy. The war needed enthusiastic support from all sectors of society if it were to be successfully prosecuted. The propaganda didn’t need to be true, just useful. But it meant that negotiation to end hostilities would result in disillusion, anger and despair in the homeland. Politicians feared political instability and even frank insurrection. The generals had other concerns. The war could only continue with the consensus of the fighting man. Coercion helped, but was never a major factor in making men fight. Perhaps the exception lay with the Russian and Austro-Hungarian units in 1917. Otherwise, the military relied on the martial ardour of their troops. The will to fight is a complex issue and will not be dealt with here. Patriotism and the need to defend the Homeland are only part of the equation. The generals believed that the ‘will to fight’ and morale would be adversely affected in the event of public negotiations with the enemy. If a compromise peace was not achieved, would the men still fight?  In the final analysis, serious negotiation would encourage debate and engender analysis at all levels of society. This is never a good thing in time of war. 

At the practical level, the common ground for realistic compromise was lacking. The Germans wanted to keep economic control over Belgium and turn Poland into a vassal state. They wanted to keep French coastal territory and sell back the rest. When the allies heard of the German ‘peace plan’ they vowed to fight on until the bitter end, regardless of cost. The belligerents were gamblers, no doubt. But the Allied contingent noted that they held the larger purse.  

So, it would come down to a military solution. The nature of warfare dictated that this would be a war of attrition. The side with the longer line of material and men would ultimately prevail. A war of attrition, in concept and application, is surely chilling and can only occur, paradoxically, in the most civilised of societies. But the world was afflicted with ‘war fever’ in 1915 and the disease would take hold and last a further three years. Indeed, the world had gone mad.

Men of the Great War

The pundits in 1915 were right, of course, the war would result in the destruction of European civilisation, but a 100 years would pass before this became apparent.

Urophagia- ‘Drinking Pee is Good for Thee…..’

Franny B after 15 pints of bitter and a pint of piss.....

As my regular readers have noted, I'm interested in things arcane and unusual. My interest was piqued the other day when I read an article extolling the health benefits of drinking your own urine. Apparently it has an ancient pedigree, so it must be beneficial, eh? As a professional biologist I was taught that urine is a waste product. Simply stated, nitrogenous waste present in the blood is filtered by the kidneys and ends up in the bladder mixed with water. Subsequently, it is passed through the urethra and ultimately into a receptacle of choice. As a general rule urine consists of 5% nitrogenous matter and 95% water. However, the ratio can change depending on hydration status. Early morning piss is notoriously concentrated.

I have an anecdote that I share with trepidation (not really). It should come as no surprise that my past was a little chequered. Imagine the young Flaxen circa 1974, incredibly/incredulously handsome with long blond hair aflowing- the fat birds were all over me. Tis a Saturday night. I'm out with my mates: Lugless Douglas (don't ask), Big, Bad, Bill, 'The  Albino'. He wasn't an Albino, but that’s another story, Franny B and Quincey. It had been a long day that turned into a long night, and we had been drinking since Noon. Anyway, Franny B wants another pint but he's run out money.  He comes up with a plan, at 1.00am. When has a plan proposed by the young and drunk ever turned out well? He vowed that he would drink a pint of his own urine on the condition that all his mates buy him a pint of beer. Of course, we were very drunk, young and stupid, so we agreed and Franny B had his beer. I've digressed/regressed. 

So, is there any evidence that urine drinking is beneficial in any regard? Absolutely not. This comes as no surprise as urine is a waste product which the body is desireth to remove. Drinking waste just results in it being excreted again in a more concentrated form. It is not advised to continue the cycle indefinitely. Furthermore, it is a misconception to consider that urine is sterile. Piss contains bacteria which are resident and sloughed off from the urinary tract. 

Some folk have been driven to drink their own urine in extremis. There are many reports of people stranded without fresh water resorting to drinking their own piddle. Medical science advises against the practice as it is likely to result in rapid dehydration.   

There are folk, often steeped in Eastern bullshit and alternative lifestyle crap, who honestly believe a tot of piss in the morning is a tonic to cure ills ranging from scurvy to cancer. They can believe what they like despite the contrary evidence. We live in a free society after all, at least for those who can afford it. I suspect drinking small amounts of urine does little harm. As for its therapeutic effects- you’d be better off pissing in the wind.     

  

                                       

This video was uploaded due to the kind recommendation of Kath Lissendon. All I can say is: Dozy Brummies

Onan was a wanker

Knock, knock, knock on heaven's door

Tis no surprise that the religiously minded are against masturbation. In the 19^th century, masturbation was associated with madness, blindness and a feeble intellect. No data were produced to support the association. No matter, in those days the young tended to listen to their elders and accepted this sort of thing, uncritically.  Not so in the modern age. The psychological harm must have been prodigious. No wonder we lost the Empire. It was knocked down circa 1976: had many happy moments there, snogging in the back row. I've digressed. The religious  have thought anew and have regressed into the Dark Ages. I blame it on too much wanking in the seminary/semenary. The radical Christian right now invokes the Devil for everything. He is everywhere waiting to pounce on the unrepentant sinner. Don't touch your naughty bits! Masturbation, by either sex, equates to eternal damnation. Okay, being sent to the 'hot place' for wanking is a bit extreme, but surely tis a sin worthy of some form of punishment? Seems a bit unfair to me. God provides the ‘pleasure buttons’ then tells us not to press. To my mind, it makes god a bit of a wanker himself.
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=61869 

Of course, the above illustration is a spoof but reflects the view of many religious loonies out there. The religious right are so fucking righteous that it is often difficult to sift the humour from the dogma.  

I am doomed I tell ya, DOOMED! My eyesight and hearing are failing but at least I've retained my sanity. Arse.

The Devil's Dumplings