Tuesday, 28 June 2016

TIPEX IT

Tipton folk on the way to the polls


Shock breaking news from Tipton!  

The principality of Tipton floating in a sea of despond and assorted detritus has made history today. For today the good burghers of Tipton voted to leave the West Midland Economic Community in a much vaunted and sort after referendum. 

This was always going to be a contentious issue dividing and polarising the Tiptonites causing mass hysteria and looting on the streets (business as usual then). Indeed, it has been prophesised on the wind, that when Tipton cedes from the 'Union', dire calamity and tribulation will fall upon bankers and assorted plutocrats forcing the sale of countless country homes. 

Professor Scaremugumbo from the Tipton Institute of Economic Research, pontificated thusly: "O woe is us. I predict that dragons will rise from the sewers and devour the first born of every Tiptonite and there will be a wailing and gnashing of dentures. Also the Tipton groat will tumble faster than a one legged drunk builder negotiating a thin rickety plank betwixt two burning sky scrapers". 

Amid concerns 

The mayor of Tipton, the Right Honourable Enoch Vowel Jnr has resigned after an impromptu press conference organised earlier today. "I can no longer continue as leader and will leave this great municipality in less rapacious hands (possibly). Although I will continue to draw a large largesse from the tax payer and no doubt find several lucrative appointments on the boards of large multinational companies".

Horace Flaxen Hair (no relation), the tousled maverick beloved by the befuddled and the smart is strongly touted to be the next leader of the Tipton Tariff Free state.(tarrif controls to be introduced at a later date). Horace, when poked with a sharp stick, had this to say: "We live in momentous times. This moment will live in history and be known as the moment of destiny. Unfettered from the prurient festering corpse of a moribund conglomeration of states, Tipton will rise like a ragged arsed Phoenix and become one with the myriad of stars which bestrew the firmament like beacons of hope". 

The bureaucrats in Birmingham are running scared today amid fears that the 'Tipton Precedent' will fuel clamours for other member states to demand a plebiscite. The Mayor of Birmingham has categorically stated: "Tipton today, Netherton North tomorrow". 

The issues of contention between the 'in' and 'out' camps were very clear from a frenetic start. The TIPEX IT brigade emphasised the loss of Tipton sovereignty to faceless unelected officials based in far away exotic Birmingham and abhorred the hordes of migrating East Midland gypos flooding the green verdant pastures of Tipton. In the wake of the vote there has been much speculation concerning the fate of the gypo encampment located on the Tipton-Smethwick border. Perhaps with the collapse of unity more gypos will finally fuck off to the benighted shit hole from whence they first hailed. And finally, and perhaps the most vexing of predicaments: the vast amount of Tipton groats being frittered away propping up wastrel economies in the south and east of the Midlands. 

As expected the 'Innies' have reacted with hysteria and incandescent whimsy. Mr Random Man in the Pub, could barely choke down his eel pie when asked about the result: "Tis a bleeding liberty innit. What is the point of a referendum if it doesn't give the result you want? The government should intervene and over turn the will of the people. After all isn't that what democracy is all about, innit". 

We certainly live in wondrous times.........Arse.

4 comments:

  1. Brilliant Flaxen. One of the best pieces you've ever done IMHO

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  2. I fear the subtlety may be lost on the average Remainiac.

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  3. Them ay frum Tippen - they'm Brummies, bay they?

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    Replies
    1. Of course Ted. Tiptonites yam bostin.

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