Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Petitions: not worth the paper they are not written on

Usual suspect
My last post was a tongue in cheek nod to the silly season with a hot gypsy side salad.

Imagine my obvious pleasure to learn that the new British five pound note contains traces of animal fat. The note, made of plastic, is virtually indestructible, unless you decide to burn it. Perchance to leave it in your trouser pocket and expose it to a heavy wash, spin cycle optional, and it will come out pristine and brand new. Hoorah, I hear you say. No more soggy notes and heavy labour matching up friable fragments so you end up with two definable serial numbers: thereafter trotting to the local bank to convince a dozy spotty teller to proffer a replacement. We truly live in wondrous times.

Some sectors of the populace are not convinced. In fact the presence of rendered animal fat has upset the vegetarian fraternity (and sorority) and indeed they have been moved to pen a petition, to wit: The new £5 notes contain animal fat in the form of tallow. This is unacceptable to millions of vegans, vegetarians, Hindus, Sikhs, Jains and other clueless sods in the U.K. We demand that you cease to use animal products in the production of currency that we have to use. Apparently over 15,000 signatures have been garnered from folk with nothing better to do. The Royal Mint and government are dearly worried and are considering recalling all five pound notes. All future issues will contain only the finest tofu lightly seared with extra virgin olive oil. ARSE. This will make the notes more palatable to meat eschewing, whining, pansy minorities. Anyway, who gives a fuck about what the Jains want?

This sort of thing is likely to tip your gallant host over the edge into frank insanity and propel me on an incendiary bound frenzy. And let’s be honest, my propensity to ‘burn stuff’ is never too far from the surface at the best of times. Just one more push.



7 comments:

  1. Whatever they are made of ,it has a real dislike for the other notes in a wedge. It just wont stay with them, get one in change and put it with the other tens and twenties and next time you go for cash the new fiver is cowering alone in the corner of your pocket.
    They don't like each other much either so it's a wallet or a clip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You sure you don't have vermin in your wallet?

      Delete
    2. Anon,
      Who has tens and twenties in their pocket? Suspect you're either a Premiership footballer, cocaine baron, or a politician.

      Delete
  2. I don't suppose there's a chance that ALL UK bank notes are made with pork fat? Oh, how those jolly jihadis will chuckle at our little joke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like a good idea to me. 'Make it so'.

      Delete
  3. Any of these little snowflakes finding our new fivers too abhorrent to handle are invited to send them all to me, and I will arrange for their appropriate disposal - Banks's, Batham's, Holden's etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could certainly quaff a pint of good Black Country ale, right now.

      Delete