Thursday, 18 August 2016

Tipton Olympics

Tipton Olympic Team

Let us not forget that while the Olympics are in full swing in Rio De Janeiro there is an equally prestigious event occurring in the ancient, quaint and picture perfect town of Tipton. And indeed, the Tipton Games has an equally ancient pedigree as the Olympic variety except it is nowhere near as old.
In a cunningly fashioned nook in Mr Khan's warehouse for water damaged hose pipes there exists a collection of artefacts belonging to a bygone age when Tipton was ruled by the mad Saxon king, Flaxen 'The Addled'. According to a crust embossed vellum ledger scrupulously preserved, the mad king, in 927AD, inaugurated the 'Tipton Games' (Tiptoniad).......   
In those days the most popular event involved piling the skulls of fallen enemies into neat pyramidal forms. The contestant who forged the highest pyramid, without slippage, was deemed the winner. Clearly this sport is no longer considered compatible with a civilised society and was banned by the Human Rights Commission in 2008. The 2004 'skull piling’ gold went, to the chagrin of the insistent locals, Mr Mohammed bin Headlopping. Subsequently the quadrennial Tipton Games has had to tone down its more atavistic events. Thus, the planting of the gypo's head on a pole has been replaced with netball. Of course, there is still room for manoeuvre concerning the more robust sports. The placing of rabid ferrets down a tethered and ankle tied trouser leg is still a very popular event. The winner automatically passes into the final round of the ‘frothing at the mouth and water aversion’ triathlon.
This year's Tiptoniad has not been without controversy. In a particularly inauspicious moment, Shagger, the event's most treasured mascot, pissed on the eternal flame thus dousing the guttering, febrile flicker in a trice- ‘Bad Ferret’. And as usual the Eastern bloc counties have been banned for having a team full of drugs. If they hadn't partaken beforehand they would have been harder to spot.
The Olympic swimming pool fell short of expected standards when the partially decomposed corpse of the local itinerant, filthy Eric, came first in the final heat of the free style event. It is conjectured that escaping gas from his bloated, decaying body, propelled Eric to a well deserved gold. However, Eric later disgraced himself by dissolving into a puddle of bubbling ichor while being propped up on the winner's podium by a sharpened stick. 
The Tiptoniad has always been an easy target for those making political statements and this Tiptoniad was no exception. Protesters calling themselves Tiptonites against Discruminition against Bad Spellas with Tourettes or, W.A.N.K for short, have emblazoned slogans throughout the Olympic village. The following epigrams have been insinuated into the minds of casual passer-bys and athletes alike: ‘We wont equal rites for bad spellas with Tourettes, wen do we want it- cnut'; or, Tourettites are peple too, dozy twat' and 'Who you regardin farht bollox?' 
But all is not grave despond. The Tipton team have managed to scoop up 'gold' (and filthy Eric) in all the events involving bodily fluids and the production of noisome gasses- 'Go Filthy Eric'. Later this week what's left of Eric's corpse will be paraded through Tipton High Street in a box, on a skate board, propelled by Shagger. 'Go Shagger' Arse.


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