Saturday, 28 March 2015

There's gold in that shit....

There can be no doubt that there is money in shit. Although few would rummage in their own faeces to get it; pity.

The shit flowing to the sewerage plant contains precious metals, various in nature and worthy of commercial exploitation. Precious metals in nanoparticle form are added to all manner of products ranging from shampoo to jam. Furthermore, lost and discarded jewellery add to the milieu, forming a rich seam of readily accessible gold. Tis a prospector's dream.    

It has been estimated that 1 million citizens flush 13 million dollars of precious metals down the loo every year. A study involving sewage samples found that 1kg of shit contained 0.4mg of gold, 28mg of silver, 638mg of copper and 49mg of vanadium.

Panning your poo doesn't sound attractive, but you will be amply rewarded if you follow my simple and much loved methodology. Be warned, you are likely to see a few unwelcome 'guests', as well as the few glistening specks of gold. This route is not for the faint hearted and those burdened with a keen sense of smell.

First you need to collect an appreciable amount of the families' shit. Initially, I  recommend a months worth for the novice shit ferreter. Next, you need to dry out the generally, very moist faeces. I suggest layering in a standard baking tray and cooking on gas mark 7 for at least 4 hours. If you adhere to my instructions you will be rewarded with a dry friable cake. Crumble mercilessly until a fine powder is exultant. You are now ready for the next stage. It is important to degrade the organic matter present in order that the precious metals can be released. Place the powder in an appropriate receptacle. It is probably not a good idea to use the saucepan dedicated to boiling sprouts and assorted brassica. Cover with water, add borax and sodium chloride crystals. Boil vigorously for 4 hours- don't be put off by the smell.

Stage two of the process

 We now enter the critical stage of the whole enterprise. The resultant fine sludge should be sieved through the finest mesh you can find. Use copious amounts of water and agitate liberally. If you have followed my recipe assiduously you will find a few specks of glistening material. You are well on your way to becoming a precious metal magnate.

As an aside........
I understand that this protocol is not for everyone and those of a squeamish disposition may balk at the very idea. Luckily I have been examining my shit for years as a means to monitor my internal parasite load. Inevitably/invariably we are all infested with an assortment of parasitic worms. Ideally you should examine your first proffering of the day. Examine your waste with a high powered hand lens. Take note of any pale ovoid eggs. If you are very lucky you may actually come across a live wriggley- deep joy. Use a standard Parasitology textbook for the identification of species. As a general rule, you should not have more than one egg per gram and no more than three parasitic species in one offering. Happy faecal hunting!

Say hello to a few 'freinds/fiends'


No comments:

Post a Comment