Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Tipton is the new Lourdes

Rasputin Mugumbo
A celestial image of the Blessed Virgin Mary has been reported hovering over the midden pit in Tipton. Dubbed the ‘Holy apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary of Tipton’ the site has already become a Mecca (surely some mistake) for the faithful. There have been reports of several lepers being healed, although leprosy in the West Midlands has not been endemic in this part of the world for at least seven centuries. All this can be ascribed to the power of a manifesting holy bint.

My knitted rendition of Mary as a 'ferret of god'
The local Catholic Priest, Frater, Pedo Mugumbo had this to say: "Tis no surprise really, Tipton is a very holy place and was nearly converted to the one true faith in the 10thcentury. As you recall, a conclave of priests approached the mad Saxon king, Flaxen, in 923AD to explain the good news of the Christ child. Unfortunately, Flaxen entered into a theological dispute with Odo ‘The Disputant’ over the number of angels that could fit on the end of a bodkin. Odo contended that an infinite number would fit as angels are not invested with physical bodies, being incorporeal  and invisible, in nature. Flaxen said 12. Thereafter the discussion became heated and the heads of Odo and his fellow clerics mysteriously fell orf in a freak head cutting off accident. Thus the encroachment of Christianity was delayed for a 1000 years. I digress."

Mr Arthur Askey (no relation) was the first to report the wondrous and miraculous sighting. 
When pressed he waned lyrical: "I had occasion to be passing the midden pit when I espied an ethereal figure arise from its cavernous depths. I immediately recognised the wraith as  Mary the mother of god. I became transfixed into a position of devotional reverie. The image then dispersed as if it had never formed. I was left with an abiding feeling of sanctity and became completely cured of a propensity to hallucinate. My Tourette tics and vocalisations melted away like a fucking arse cunting snowman on a twat farting summers day.                                                                                                      ARSE." 

I count seven

And let's be honest, this is the nearest we are ever going to get to the sighting of a virgin in the borough of Tipton, and environs


  1. I didn't know Virgins existed anywhere these days, and I have to say Rasputin is looking great for a man dead for 99 years.
    Do Mr Askeys sightings include the priest giving choir boys sweets for treats?
    I have to tell you iv'e seen a few people around here who look like they have leprosy although I am not in the West Midlands but not far off.

  2. ps I love the knitted ferret can one purchase these? I'd love one for my grandson.

    1. Kath,I'll make you one- promise you will call it Eric Mugumbo, 'The Ferret'.

    2. If you are generous enough to make me one the least I can do is promise faithfully to call it Eric Mugumbo "The Ferret"