Friday, 30 January 2015

Arthur Askey: The paralysed years

Arthur, before the accident 

Recapitulation: As my gentle readers will recall, 'Big Hearted Arthur' (but short on legs) was subject to an unrelenting series of freak and increasingly bizarre accidents culminating in the loss of his legs, arse (rectum) and his beloved prehensile penis. No longer would his cock stand erect and wave a cheery 'hello' to grimacing pedestrians. Thus is the inherent unpredictability, fickleness and mutability of life.

As he lay paralysed from the nose down he ruminated on his proposed future. He was left with a myriad of questions which clamoured for an answer? Would he ever walk again? Would he ever sing the 'Busy Bee' song, on stage? Only fate could answer these most perplexing of conundrums.    

Dr Ebola Mugumbo, inspiring confidence

Dr Ebola Mugumbo approached 'No Arse' Arthur with trepidation. "Mr Askey, I have to tell you that you will never walk again. Furthermore, there is a local council ordinance prohibiting the singing of the 'Busy Bee' song by bona fide spakkers." Arthur would have cried but the snapping of his spinal cord at C2 had also severed the vital nerve servicing the lachrymatory ducts.  "However Mr Askey, I have some good news. We have devised a robotic skateboard, cunningly fashioned from computer chips and stuff. You will be securely attached to said skateboard by the medium of several, six inch, titanium nails. Luckily due to your paralysis you will feel nothing and unless we hit a major artery you wont bleed uncontrollably and expire, exsanguinated. However, in this eventuality it is quite possible that a small amount of blood, pooling in your nether regions, will be spared. The whole contraption can be controlled by differential dribbling onto a solenoid. Take solace that you will be emulating our gracious Lord, the baby Jesus, by being attached to a piece of wood." Arthur's piety was piqued, anew.  "I just need you to sign this release form in the likely event that you will die during the procedure. Let me help you by jamming this pen up your right nostril......"

To be continued.........

What the fuck is an 'Ollie?'


  1. And now for something completely different. A man with a pen up his nose...

    Reminds me of something I once heard somewhere.