Friday, 14 November 2014

Mermaid spotted in the Dudley canal (cut)

Mr Mugumbo on the way to pub
Breaking news from the beautiful and majestic spa town of Dudley West, incorporating North Tipton and environs there about. This reporter can conclusively report a confirmed sighting of the legendary aquatic mammal, ‘The Mermaid’ frolicking in the Dudley canal at closing time. Mr Eli Mugumbo (who else?) relates the story with habitual poise: “I had just left the ‘Felching Ferret’ hostelry after a particularly heavy session of imbibing alcoholic beverages. On this particular occasion I had consumed 15 pints of Tipton Best bitter, 12 malt whiskies, a sweet sherry and a magnum of babysham. As I lurched down the tow path of the Dudley canal, wending my way home precariously after imbibing large amounts of alcoholic beverages which comprised………I digress. Although the light was poor and my vision befouled and be speckled, I discerned out of the corner of my good eye, a splishing and a splashing emanating from said canal. On further inspection I distinctly saw a mermaid reclining on a fiat uno. It had the lower body of a fish and the upper body of a ferret (surely some mistake). As I approached it transfixed my visage with steely blue eyes, and rasped. “Fancy a good time sailor?” Although taken aback I recovered my composure and retorted with fortitude born of extreme inebriation: “Yer my bessie mate, I love ya, can ya lend me 20 quid for a case of Special Brew Extra, burrrrrrrrp".  

Afterwards whilst encapsulated in a brief moment of sobriety, Mr Mugumbo admitted that he might have seen half a bloater cunningly nailed to a rusty perambulator.
I threw this one back

But kept this one........
Are mermaids a product of our atavistic and overwrought imagination? A mere fevered wraith of fancy. Or are there creatures lurking in our canals (dead tramps excepted) unknown to science waiting to be flung flapping into the light of day by brave and intrepid researchers, boldly ferreting (steady Shagger) into the dark, dank, slimy, ordure at the bottom of the recesses of our………. (Arse).   
Artist impression of the 'creature' from the cut


  1. The chap at the top reminds me of one of Jeremy Kyle's regulars.
    I think the special brew may have some bearing on the mermaid sighting, but I'd love to see a mermaid.
    If they spot a unicorn in Dudley please let me know, because the last one I saw was euthanised by a forest pixi called Mac before I could get a good gander.

    1. Yes, I have a friend who's a forensic officer; she identifies the deceased from dental records.

      She has this recurring nightmare about a fire in the Jeremy Kyle studio...


  2. Indeed Kath, we live in strange times. I often see things myself and not always when I've been drinking. I blame it on my aberrant firing synapses. Modern medicine can only do so much.