Saturday, 27 September 2014

Arthur Askey: The Wilderness Years

Harry Worth's ferret, 'Shagger'
The diminutive Arthur Askey, befouled by the wandering band of camp homosexuals (see: Arthur Askey: The Years of Wonder, Part II ) as he was, never lost his zest for life. Although befitted with an artificial anus, he still managed to insert his keys up his rectum and maintain them on the second shelf next to the best cutlery. 

But things could only get better. One fateful day, Arthur (for it is he) was called into the office of the then Director of the BBC, Mr Youhidi Bignose. Mr Bignose takes up the story as if it was 50 years ago: 

"I had occasion to invite 'Big Hearted' Arthur into my office on that fate bejewelled Wednesday morn. As usual, Arthur propelled himself on his bespoke skateboard with characteristic aplomb (aaarrr...). I placed Arthur on a pedestal and regaled him of tales of how I managed to extract 20p from a blind beggar in Golders Green- no mean feat, I can tell you. 

But I digress. I was privileged to offer Arthur 'No Arse' a leading role in the upcoming comedy series: 'Ooh missus, I've got no arrrrrrrse (anus)'. In many respects, Arthur was tailor made for the role. The main lead would have to be a comic of extraordinary comedic talent; a man of exemplary comic facility and moreover a man with an artificial arrrrse (bottom). Arthur only satisfied the last criteria, but nonetheless, the budget for the show was constrained and there was no other comedian who fulfilled the most important criterion: lack of an anus. It is true we did consider Harry Worth, but he was on a caste iron three year contract with ITV working on a similar concept, aptly named:' Ooh missus my artificial arrrrrrrrrse (rectum) moves about, a little bit.' Not surprising this show never aired on British television and went straight to DVD.  

As I recall Arthur received the concept like an ice cold enema. He suggested that he would be more than willing to play the romantic lead in the series. This role would suit a man of tall stature, with the requisite number of legs and an anal sphincter, natural, pert and taut. When I pointed out the obvious, Arthur was mortified and crestfallen. At that juncture he teetered and tottered on his pedestal, eventually alighting upon a broken bottle of Dom Perignon which sliced clean orf his penis. 

Let me explain: Arthur since losing his legs had the habit of using his prehensile like penis to grasp his skateboard in an endeavour to remain erect. Therefore his cock was always exposed and exceedingly vulnerable to freak accidents involving sharp objects. Arthur would never be erect on his skateboard, again....." Oooh missus.

To be continued...              

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