Monday, 1 September 2014

Tipton Rocked by Seismic Event

Tipton, before the 'Quake'

The picturesque Spa town of Tipton was subject to a severe shaking yesterday morning as a consequence of being the unwelcome recipient of an unprecedentedly large earthquake. Arse bucket.

Mr Enoch Vowel, the Mayor of Tipton (incorporating West Smethwick) is conducting and orchestrating the emergency operations from the local hostelry, 'The Frolicking Ferret'. Mr Vowel had this to say after consuming 16 pints of 'Tipton Best Ale'. "Who you  looking at you bastid. I'll take you all on. C'mon if you think you're hard enough..."  Before collapsing, Mr Vowel removed his shirt and regaled locals by showing off his birth mark shaped like an amphibious landing craft.

Mrs Edna Mugumbo, a lifetime resident recalls the event, as if was yesterday: "I had occasion to be 'declegging' my ferret 'Shagger's' anal gland when the earth began to move for me. My first impression was that Mr Mugumbo had returned home early from the glue factory and was administering a quick 'knee trembler",  but when the fine bone china began to dance across the sideboard I reconsidered, especially as my knickers, although remaining moist, was unbefouled by Mr Mugumbos' love juice".

Donations are welcome. Please forward all gratuities to Mr Vowel via his Bermuda account (cash only). Remember a 100 pounds will buy a family of four kebabs and blue pop to last a week. The town is in urgent need of tobacco. The quake completely destroyed 'Terry's van' and the only supply of cigarettes is the local supermarket and Paki shop.

Shagger doing the earthquake 'shuffle'

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