Sunday, 11 October 2015

Japanese sniper found on Mars

A slope with his rifle at a slope

Whilst viewing Mars with his 20 inch reflecting telescope, Mr Iphone Mugumbo made a startling discovery. Standing clearly on the Martian landscape was a distinct figure of a Japanese sniper carrying his rifle at a slope. In Mr Mugumbos own words:
"I was completely dumbfounded and disconbobulated. Here, clearly before my eyes, I could see a sniper of his 'Majesties Imperial Army'. Even though the soldier was of small stature, I could easily pick out his buck teeth and thick pebble glasses. Later that day I watched as he re-enacted the 'Rape of Nanking', thereafter he seemed to take great delight in ceremoniously beheading a rock with his Samurai sword."

Speculation has been rife about how a Japanese sniper could have travelled to Mars considering the technology of the 1940s. However, Professor Nintendo of Modern Nip and Slope studies thinks it highly plausible considering the advanced state of wok technology in the Imperial Japan of 1942. "Essentially the technology enabling wok design and building is no different from building a space craft capable of inter-planetary flight"' When asked to expand on his thesis, the good professor feigned a grand mal and bit his tongue clean orf in a fit of pique.   

Conjecture to why the filthy dirty Japs would send a sniper to Mars has revealed a set of highly plausible scenarios as outlined below:
Plausible Scenario 1. The sniper could have been on a routine flight to Tokyo but got lost.
Plausible Scenario 2. It could have been planned as pre-emptive strike to prevent the  Americans from colonising Mars. If and when they arrived they would be confronted with an appropriately armed Japanese sniper ready and willing to dispense mayhem and consternation amongst the colonists.

But how could a Japanese sniper subsist on a cold, almost airless, waterless, planet without expiring? Apparently Mars is not as forbidding as originally thought. Water not only exists in the arid polar regions but is also present just under the surface thus allowing our Nip to cultivate a rather hardy variety of rice. Furthermore, an extensive KFC franchise has just opened up in the 'Argyre Basin'.

On hearing that a Japanese sniper was ensconced in number 23, Tharsis Rise, the world leader, Mr Ras Putin, vowed to send a space ship sporting a 40 megaton nuclear warhead to obliterate the nasty nip.   

God speed, Soyuz 97! 


An artist's impression of the Nip's space craft. Note the aerodynamic lines and handles for booster rockets

         



  

9 comments:

  1. That's new technology for the nips - they don't use woks do they?

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  2. Mr D, I see you have spotted the fundamental flaw in my cunningly crafted story. I will recant immediately and replace the wok with a deep fat fryer. Me bad.

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  3. 40 megaton?
    Naw, he'd use a Tsar Bomba - 50 to 60 Mt yield
    The Tutor has deleted the ALT-F blog, and all others, save this, his oldest. Fortunately, he downloaded all the ALT-F posts and imported them into Sterculian Rhetoric. Of course, I have a new email now too.

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    1. Cuddles, please to furnish your new email address so I can berate you at source. And why have you decided to amalgamate ALT-F into SR- tis inexplicable to me.

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    2. I did not do this. George has control over all his blogs. He has decided to consolidate all his crap into his original blog. I've no choice but to obey.

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  4. Oh yeah, The Tutor would like me to add, "Saxon, you're a fucking ignorant xenophobic bigot. Not that there is anything wrong with that."

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    Replies
    1. And there was me a thinking that I was just parochial, prescriptive, inimical and ethnocentric. Arse.

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    2. George lost a relative, a Canadian relative, in Hong Kong when the Japanese invaded during WWII. He hates the folks from Nippon as much as the next guy, but still, y'all are too much, too flagrant, here. Personally, the Japanese are no friends of Myanmar, except when they allied with Aung San - Suu Kyi's father, during WWII. Then the Quisling, Aung San swithed to the British near the end. Ha! The Brits, to their credit, had him offed in '46. That'll learn 'im.

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    3. Subtlety does not abide in me, except when it does.

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