|Kim Dim Sum (sporting noodles)|
During the early 1950s, the American and Chinese superpowers faced off in the Korean peninsular and through their respective Korean allies waged a savage and cruel war by proxy (this is not historically correct, is it Flaxen?). The North Koreans, for the most part, were armed with a spicy noodle dish, whilst luckily for the West, the South Koreans were armed with napalm- thus the tasty, crispy, North Korean noodle was born. During this uneven conflict, the North Korean leadership ably abetted by their glorious, god-like leader, Kim Cum up Bum, decided that they could tilt the balance of power but only if they could insinuate a deadly noodle chef into the heart of the West Midlands. By a casual stroke of fortune, the Metropolitan borough of Dudley was chosen by default. On that fateful Wednesday morn, on the 26th of December, 1951, a diminutive malnourished and short sighted North Korean specialist noodle chef parachuted into the enclave of Dudley Zoo. He quickly ensconced himself in the baboon enclosure where he remained totally unnoticed for the next 64 years. By happenstance, Kim Dim Sum (for it is he) bore an uncanny resemblance to a generic simian and thus remained totally undetected by the incognisant zoo staff. Luckily for the good burghers of Dudley, his packet of deadly dried/fried noodles became entangled on an itinerant seagull and thus passed forever from the sight of mankind. Kim Dim Sum rapidly adapted to his new surroundings and became particularly adept at grooming other members of the troop and throwing his compressed and partially dried faeces at any schoolboy foolish enough to come within missile range. His idle life of idyll would have gone unabated except for a fickle twist of destiny. Whilst eating a banana with his usual accomplished aplomb, Kim Dim Sum slipped upon the carelessly relinquished banana peel. During the subsequent gyrations our erstwhile noodle chef exposed his rump to the attentive keeper who noticed immediately that the exposed posterior showed no signs of reproductive tumescence- as this was mating season, the game was up.
Kim Dim Sum was inhumanely destroyed later that day.
Arse, big red, arse