Saturday, 5 September 2015

Flaxen the Estate Agent

Recap: Whilst out strolling with his wolf, Loki, Flaxen, king of the Tipton Saxons became entangled in a space/time vortex which perchance connected to a white hole. Hence, Flaxen and Loki were transported through time to finally alight in the Tipton of 2015 after catching the number 27 bus from Dudley.......Before you berate me for concocting impossible scenarios, I suggest you consult the latest in theoretical physics which, no doubt, will bestrew my tale with a sprinkling of verity itself.

For some strange reason which will never become apparent or satisfactory explained, Flaxen and Loki managed to find agreeable lodgings with a flagrant/fragrant homosexual (fat poof) called Roger. After a lamentable episode in the local post office where several aged folk were propelled to Valhalla before their allotted time (only just), Flaxen managed to secure gainful employment as a local estate agent. Oh yes, and for reasons that shall remain veiled in mystery and double/bubble wrapped in incongruity, Flaxen's trusty wolf became transformed into a white fluffy Maltese Terrier, called Bubbles.

The Viewing
"As you can see this is a well appointed 3 bed residence with grand views toward Tipton's only midden pit. The bathroom is bijou and superbly appointed...''

Mr Mugumbo (who else?): "Excuse me king Flaxen of the Tipton Saxons with hegemony over the wester marches and parts of Dudley south, but what are the schools like hereabouts? I wouldn't want little Joachim to go to a school full of brain fucked, thieving gypos''.

"You have raised a fair point Mr Mugumbo. Let me assure you that the 'Gypo Quotient' is within the 10th decile as we speak and the only dark folk allowed on school grounds is the janitor and only after dark. As I was saying, as you can see we have a sharply appointed kitchen type area with all the amenities of running cold water; some of it from the tap. The 'rambunctious room' would be ideal for a snooker table or an area for storing the skulls of your fallen enemy".

"What is that strange crunching noise emanating from the compact but deceptively spacious bedroomette".

"Don't mind that, tis only my trusty wolf Loki/Bubbles feasting on the entrails of the previous viewer who had the temerity to criticise the flock wallpaper in the amply spaced dinerette designed to maximise your lifestyle requirements. Foolish accountant dared trifle with King of the Tipton Saxons and thus with a swift blow of my sword, 'Arse, Big Fat Arse, Biter', I removed his impudent bonce with alacrity.  Well Mr Mugumbo, what do you think of the wallpaper in the tastefully appointed living area''?

"Well to be honest, I prefer a more understated effect with subtle, vibrant tones......".

As if in dream Flaxen reached for his double headed Danish war axe, 'Twat Cruncher', and in a heart beat severed Mr Mugumbo's head clean orf. 

Flaxen picked up the severed head and entered the easy to maintain bedroomette and skillfully placed the head atop the mound of noggins. Loki playfully relinquished the accountant's entrails  and gleefully latched onto Mr Mugumbo's blood rimed corpse with his pitiless maw and dragged it slowly into the sumptuously attired, feature bedroomette.

Next week Flaxen receives 'Estate Agent of the Month Award'.