Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Japanese Sniper Unearthed in Tipton Sewer

Lucky, Gator got him

Unnerving news from the quaintly unattractive town of Tipton. For today, it can be revealed that Tipton has been harbouring a dangerous enemy within its midst. An evil malingering Japanese sniper has been nestling in the town's capacious bosom and suckling at its expansive teat. It is conjectured that Private Honda Suzuki entered Tipton sometime in 1944 in a midget submarine, which is just as well as he was very small. After navigating the waterways of the West Midlands he alighted in Tipton's sewer system via the Dudley to Birmingham canal. Once sequestered in the fetid underground tunnels he quickly gravitated to the stairwell leading directly to Tipton's main thoroughfare. There he set up his sniper position with verve and aplomb.

His mission was simply defined: To lie in wait and when the opportunity presented he was expected to lift the man-hole with his cunning inscrutable, sloping forehead. Thereupon he would rest his buck teeth on the metal lip of the hole thus gaining purchase, traction and stability. Henceforth, he would place his thick pebbled glasses atop his retrousse, button nose. Due to his diminutive stature it was necessary for him to perch precariously on a hat box which, when not in use, was secreted within a fold up his small but perfectly formed arse- on the second shelf next to the udon noodles. Suitably imbued he would reach for his Arisaki sniper’s rifle and take pot shots at the passing citizenry. Luckily for the Tiponites, Kendo Origami, like all Japanese snipers, was a very poor shot. No one became enamoured or incapacitated. During his 70 years ingrained within the stygian septic conduit, Yamaha Katana, managed to remain undetected by Tipton passerby's who never guessed that below their feet lurked a loyal soldier of his Imperial Majesty and odious Chief Nip, Hirohito.

The sniper subsisted on a diet comprising/composing entirely of chicken 'fried' nuggets  (sans chicken) which alighted in the sewer via the grill after cascading from a cunningly fashioned hole in Mr Khan's deep fat fryer. As you will recall, Mr Khan, of 'Mr Khan's Halal Greasy Food Emporium' had a takeaway poised lasciviously above Tipton's main drain. 

Dem pesky specs
However, unbeknownst to our intrepid sniper there lurked within a deadly nemesis. For many years past, Tipton residents had been flushing down their toilets, exotic reptiles, including alligators.  One fateful day, Mitsubishi Sushi came face to face with a 4 foot alligator. After a brief struggle, our intrepid Lilliputian Nipper was devoured whole. All that remained of Nissan Aston Martin was his pebble glasses neatly folded in their resplendent spectacle case. Those who witnessed the event, including Mr Mugumbo, thought the final result reminiscent  of Geisha's work at its finest. Geisha's would often distract their clients with subtle origamic (not a real word) work of exquisite form, in order to delay the inevitable and unrequited, finality. 
Later that day, the alligator was hanged by neck until life was relinquished for harbouring a war criminal. There are some who thought there was a Nip in the air, but as it was June, it was considered, unlikely. Arse.      

Depiction of the intrepid event, in bronze

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