A concerned reader writes

Dear Flaxen Saxon, my husband and I are devoutly religious. However, we are experiencing deep spiritual differences which are proving irreconcilable. I subscribe to orthodox doctrine which considers that God and Christ are equal, of the same substance, but distinct. Whilst my husband adheres to the heretical view that Christ was created by God and is consequently not equal. My argument that this matter was resolved at the Ecumenical Council of Nicaea in 325 AD falls on deaf ears. I approached my Pastor and he suggested that I should contact you for spiritual enlightenment.

I await your pronouncement on this matter in the sure knowledge that your judgement will be guided by the gentle hand of Christ.

Christian in a Quandary

 

Dear Christian in a Quandary. Yes, subtle differences in religious dogma can cause schism in the marital home. Have you tried kinky sex? Mrs Saxon often dresses as a ‘naughty nun’ and beats me to a frenzy with a rod while I’m dressed in the full regalia of the Bishop of Dudley, complete with mitre and string vest; works for us. May I suggest you invest in ‘his’ and ‘hers’ butt plugs. Tesco’s have an impressive selection in the ‘Anal Play’ isle, next to the Panadol. There is something for every sphincter; don’t forget to rotate.

                                          Jism in the Schism…….

Those nitpicking religious controversies just melt away when you’ve got foreign objects jammed up your arse. Might be a good idea to splash out and hire a prostitute. I often visit the local whores for a little light refreshment and buggery. Unfortunately I have to pay a little extra as I have a tendency to bite during the vinegar strokes. Perhaps you could persuade this Christ fellow to join in or at least offer his gentle guiding hand with the lube.