Saint Boner

Shock Breaking News!

Tis just been announced that the incumbent Pope: Cesare Borgia ‘The Most Sanctimonious’ has been directed by Boner to confer Sainthood on his holy countenance. The Pope announced that St Boner of Calcutta (surely some mistake) has fulfilled the necessary criteria after performing two miracles of magnificent proportions. Each separate occasion was witnessed by several inebriates hanging outside Mr Khan’s Cut Price Liquor Store, Tipton. One the first occasion, Boner greeted the adoring populace with the ‘peace sign’ and immediately all war and strife in the world ceased. Subsequently, all humankind has lived in harmonious accord (except gypos}. On the second bedazzling and awe inspiring occasion, Boner paid his taxes and all the world’s inhabitants (except gypos) received bounty beyond compare. Global poverty has been banished in an instance and all who hunger, hunger no more.

St Boner, aka ‘Lord of the Universe’, is expected to ride through the streets of his native Tipton in his gold encrusted, 'Boner-Mobile', which will miraculously appear after being dropped off by space shuttle. During his sojourn amongst the ragged peasants, Boner will dispense free CDs featuring U235’s new release: ‘music to endure while waiting on the phone to interact with a real person while trying to sort out your bank details'. The CD is excepted to go Plutonium.

Smug egotistical bastard

As he bestrides the grime besmirched streets like a colossus (surely more god than man?) acolytes will chant words of wisdom from Boner’s ‘Trite Little Book of Sayings'. Here are just a few choice extracts:

     “Every time I remove my sunglasses indoors, a child of swarthy complexion dies”

   "The Kantian philosophical stance that develops from a thesis and its opposed antithesis creates an amalgam of creative and empathetic synthesis" [Wise words indeed St Boner] 

Several prestigious ex-world leaders have been resurrected by Boner especially for the event. Ghandi, Churchill and Stalin will receive benediction from the hallowed one (all hail the Boner) and sing a succession of beatitudes in honour and recognition of Boner's illustrious contribution to ending poverty, war and anything remotely not nice. Indeed it is prophesied by none other than the Bonester himself that sunshine will radiate from his majestic orifice that masquerades as his arse.......... [I think you've made your point Flaxen ARSE].