Friday, 22 January 2016

"Is there life on Tipton"

                                            
                                         The early years


The music industry awoke aghast today at the tragic news that: Barry 'Battered' Fritter died yesterday due to complications following a rather poor hair perm. Barry's manager and publicist, Mr Big Cigar, had this to say: "I am at a complete loss for words. Today we have lost a god amongst men, a truly wonderful human being and a veritable rock leg end". Mr Big Nose continued to drone on in this vein for the next two hours....... Mr Big Belly's biography of Barry, entitled: 'Fritter, the wretched, vile excuse for a man', appears in all good bookstores, tomorrow. All proceeds will be forwarded to Big 
Ego's expansive off shore bank account.


Spot
Born Star Moondust, to Stock Broker parents, Barry, at the tender age of 43, changed his name to 'Barry Fritter' one beer-encrusted night after reading the menu in his local fish 'n' chip shop. His first clutch of stardom came when he joined the band, 'Spot the Poodle' in 1972. At that stage, the 'Glam Rock' scene was becoming  rampant and Barry decided to change his persona and embark on a solo career. His first album: 'The man who fell in the canal' received critical acclaim from all the regulars in Barry's local pub, 'The Feltching Ferret', in Tipton. Indeed, it is claimed that Barry gained inspiration for the album after a jaunt along the Birmingham to Dudley canal towpath following a heavy midnight 'jam' session at the 'Ferret'.


But Barry's career was marked with controversy and he was once 'outed' as a 'notorious heterosexual' by the tabloid papers. His established sexuality caused derision amongst the avant garde music fraternity, especially as he once publically announced, that he liked sleeping with older women.

Forever the chameleon, Barry effortlessly changed his hairstyle according to directions from his manager and stylist. During the 1970s, he coiffured his barnet into a frenzied extravaganza of lurid bangs. As the 80s burst onto the scene, Barry changed hair stylist once again and adopted a subdued pink bouffant. The 90s heralded a change of pace and the softer style was discarded for a more understated feathered mullet. And who can forget the waxed pompadour of the late 90s. The sad irony, of course, is that Barry's search for trichophillic perfection led to his downfall. For twas during a rather difficult coif teasing session that Barry inhaled deep of the heady fumes of the ammonia paste, gasped and exhaled, no more.....Arse.     

Spontaneous out pouring of grief has occurred in his home town of Tipton. Within hours of the hair cut, banners appeared in the grime weathered streets expressing heart felt comments by a community in mourning. Here are just a few of the poignant sentiments: "Get ya hair cut ya dozy wazack"; "Good riddance yahm dozy soft twat"; "We love you, battered"; etc.   

Denizens of the music industry gushed and waxed lyrical about a star that is no longer with us but has returned to the firmament to cast a guttering dancing light upon the upturned faces of the rest of us poor proles with second rate hair cuts. 

Barry's death comes just a week after release of his album 'Hairspray'


                                                       Take it away Bazza



                                       'Spot the Poodle' in their heyday

22 comments:

  1. So that's where The Edge got the idea to fall off the stage...

    One of your better pieces Flaxen. Puts Bowie firmly into perspective better than anything I've written about the cunt!

    I reckon Battered was better than anything on Bowie's last two albums. Believe me, I suffered for my art by listening all the way through both of them. On several tracks Mrs D commented "Is this going to start soon?"

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  2. "gushed and waxed lyrical about a star that is no longer with us"

    Your post Flaxen has made me sad once again thinking about "our Cilla", the Queen of Liverpool, a proper scoucer she was and so very proud of her heritage until she died at home in Spain

    Rickie

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    Replies
    1. Scoucer?

      SCOUCER??????????!!!?

      Pretty fucking obvious you never took a ferry 'cross the Mersey!


      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejw_LOi-nhk

      It was called Randy Scouse Git in the Americas and the rest of the world, but it was called Alternate Title in the UK - where it reached #2 with a bullet!

      Lyrics Explained:
      http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=4883

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    2. Yeah you are right Sterculian, but my first experience as a young lad of a stripper was at Aintree, she was very good looking mature blonde that silenced a room full of about 50 men during her show in a seedy mens social club.

      I spent a month in Liverpool in Dec 1986, I don't think it stopped raining and I have never been back.

      Rickie

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  3. Thank for sharing your musical insights on Spot the Poodle. I had forgotten just how bad they were!!!

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    1. Dioclese, you're fucked!
      All The Young Dudes by Mott The Hoople is a good tune and I've not heard a cover by another that beats their version.

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    2. But it is a cover version! Bowie wrote and recorded the original.

      And it's still shite - so why would you want to cover shite except to stop it stinking?

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    3. I have only heard Bowie sing it on Youtube videos of concerts and such. I can't help it, I like the tune and I like the way Mott The Hoople perform it. I have no control over this, I just like it.

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    4. And I knew Bowie wrote it. The Tutor told me. He's a Baby Boomer and remembers when the album was released in The Canadas way back in the Stone(s) Age

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    5. That's the Mott The Hoople album containing All The Young Dudes by the way

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    6. As for Mott The Hoople as a band otherwise, I've no idea. I have only heard the one tune by them, All The Young Dudes. They may, or may not be otherwise shite. I do not know and I do not care. I'll let y'all know what I think of them if I happen to hear the band play something else.
      Don't hold your breath though, I no longer seek to consume music - not that I ever actually did.

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    7. Apologies, too much coffee, too much Oxycontin stolen from The Tutor and not enough sleep this morning.

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    8. Bowie was born in 1947 which means he's not actually a baby boomer. Close, but no banana

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    9. I thought the Baby Boomers were defined as anyone born between January 1946 and December 1964?

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    10. I was referring to The Tutor as the Baby Boomer who remembers when the Mott The Hoople album was released in The Canadas. The Tutor was born in the middle of the 1946 to 1964 Baby Boomer window.

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  4. All that daft hair and glam rock mularky helped Julio Iglesias thats for sure

    https://youtu.be/y6-OcWqH5Xo

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  5. Arrrrrhhh, not Julio Greasyarse..........Arse.

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    Replies
    1. Or as we knew him - Julia DoubleGlazeyArse

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    2. Julio's dad was a Franco Fascist!
      For that reason alone, he and his next-of-kin should be put to death.

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    3. Surely not Enrique Doubleglaziogreasyarse?

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  6. No, not the third generation. Just his 'known' children. From Julio at 72,the eldest; to Ruth at 10, the youngest(Born 7 months after Julio Sr. the Facist, her father, died

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