Wednesday, 22 June 2016

The Mugumbo Files Part II

This is the second in a series of correspondence with various parties hailing from a 'country' in West Africa. You have it on my unsecured authority that this represents a true exchange between myself and said gentlemen over a course of several months. For brevity sake, and to protect the innocent, editorial changes have been made. As always, the death threats, remain mine.    
To remain in the loop and not to lose track of your own sanity, it is a really good idea if you read this shit first.

Dear Sirs
Allow me to introduce my personage. My name is Bar Lighthouse Umbongo. I am a Barrister, Advocate and Notoriety acting with the cognoscence of the Esteemed General Iphone Mugumbo. My role is to facilitate this transaction and to handle all manner of legal modalities. It is vital that you adhere to all my injunctions and instructions and to discuss our transactions with no one until our business is secured. If you agree to my direction in this matter I will start processes. Very soon you shall be a very rich man and your neighbours will smile at you good fortune.
 I await your positive response 
Bar Lighthouse Umbongo


Flaxen Saxon
 Dear Bar
You don't mind me calling you Bar, do you?  I like to call people by their first name. I have to say it is very perceptive of you to greet me with 'Sirs' and not 'Sir'. You have obviously divined that I suffer from a multiple personality complex. For now I am Flaxen Saxon, but don't be surprised if later in this missive I transform into a rather cute but vicious ferret with a penchant for eating polystyrene, called Shagger. I have included photos of both entities so there is no confusion. Please congratulate your partner, Colonel Iphone Mugumbo on being promoted to General. This is quite an achievement since he has skipped the usual intervening degrees of promotion. The General must be very talented, well connected, corrupt, or all three. It is refreshing and reassuring that you are notorious. I am sure your unsavoury and ill famed disposition will facilitate all modalities with opprobrium. By the way, cognoscence is not a real word.

Sorry, I'm starting to digress, however, I am keen to move our transaction to a satisfactory conclusion, mindful of all processes involved, moving forward. Do you think I could have a picture of your good self looking rather dodgy in a rattan hat? I hope this is not too much of an imposition, but I would like to add you to my collection of feral individuals.  

Yours with a packet of ferret treats,

PS What is your coffee like?

Dear Flaxen Saxon,
The contents of your mail is well noted. I include a picture in my office and the funds so you know I speak with you as honest man to honest man. You can see I'm a serious man. We must trust you at every turn as we remain in your hands and friends. The Colonel has taken worse and is likely to leave this world and be delivered to the hand of God within a month. It is critical that we can conclude our business before my friend expires.

The attache case of monies has been sealed and can now only be opened with a number sequence-207256. Keep this number in you heart so you can unleash untold riches. You and your family will live like kings and not suffer for any physical discomfort. I need to speak to you seriously as man to man. The case will be sent to you by courier. In two days you will be recipient of untold riches. But first the courier must be paid. This is more expensive because of the cast iron insurance that must follow package. You are directed to progress to your nearest Western Union Office and send $US1,500 to Mr Internet Imbargobongo, 23 Cecil Rhodes Boulevarde, Shitown, Cesspitagogoland. Security question- 'who is great'. Answer- 'only God'. We can't deduct the money as it is secure and can only be released by your signature. So it is in your hands and God almighty. In two days you will be sitting pretty, but if delay you will remain poor.

Bar Lighthouse Umbongo 
Dear Bar,
I am most discobobulated that the erstwhile General has suffered a demotion, please send him my heartfelt sympathies and regardies. Your army doles out promotions and demotions faster than a tart's knickers move up and down in a brothel on a Saturday night; please excuse the vulgar simile. By the way, as you can see from my photo, I am already sitting pretty. How quixotic of you not to notice- please pay attention in future. Just a thought, but since the Colonel/General is about to peg it, wouldn't it be advantageous to us both if we simply split the monies between ourselves and leavicate the poor widow to fend for herself without the monies? Let me know what you think. If you agree I will send the extortion fee of $US1,500 with alacrity. Shagger says: "Neep. neep".
Yours with a plan
Flaxen Saxon

PS: The hat, from what I can see, is a Homburg, without any hint of a rattan festoon. You have not fully complied with my requesties, although you do look rather dodgy.

Dear Flaxen Saxon,
Your contents are well noted. Send courier fee to secure monies. I will instruct on disbursement once you have the package secured. Do not delay, fortune favors the man who does not hesitate.

Bar Lighthouse Umbongo

                                                       TO BE CONTINUED...........





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