Saturday, 2 April 2016

Tis Goodnight from him

Big Ron in repose

Sorry to my international viewers: This post will only make nonsense to Brit folks of a certain age. And for this, I do not apologise. Ain't dat the sad truth?

Breaking news: It has just been announced that the notorious British comedian, 'Ronnie aka big Ron', has died due to complications after slipping on a banana skin. Ronnie together with his twin brother, aka as 'Ronnie', terrorised the East End of Tipton during the 1960's. They built up an empire of comedy based on pithy, hilarious routines, perfect timing and extreme violence (maybe not). Mr Ipod Mugumbo, an associate, had this to say about, 'The Twins' during their hey day in the 1920s: ''The boys ruled the East End of Tipton with an iron fist. The Tipton Repertoire Theatre was 'their patch' and anyone entering the theatre had to pay a toll. Half a crown for mid-week performances and 20 bob for Saturday morning matinees. Ushers ruled the aisles with a white chiffon glove and those who spoke loudly during performances received a deft clip behind the ear with a torch sporting long life, lead batteries''.

But it was not all song and dance. A rival comedic gang based in Dudley posed a non-serious threat. Twas none other than: 'Mike and Bernie Winters'. The Dudley duo, Mike and Hymie, (surely some mistake) were universally loathed, mainly because they were shit comedians. It all came to a head when members of the Tipton gang entered the hallowed turf of the Winter brothers. During a rather unfunny and strained dialogue on stage, one of the 'Twin's crew', Mad Jack, the Cat, McVitie's Biscuits, heckled rather loudly. To be fair, the brothers were about as funny as Jimmy Saville staying overnight at an orphanage, but the gauntlet had been dropped. The Tipton and Dudley comic club scene would never be the same again.

On a fine summer morn, the younger of the two Winter brothers ambled over the Dudley/Tipton border whilst ostensibly taking his Chihuahua for a walk. He meandered into forbidden territory and was mercilessly mocked for having a big nose and a crap dog. The battle lines had been drawn- what would happen next?

Tension came to a peak when 'Comic Relief' dictated that the respective duos come together to record the humanitarian song: 'We are going to give lots of money to shit hole countries and most of it will get siphoned off by the corrupt ruler (he might be called Colonel Mugumbo, can't say) '. Not a catchy title admittedly, but the sentiment was there. And let's face it, that is all that matters at the end of the day.

The situation quickly degenerated when Bernie Mathews (who?), denigrated the 'Twin's' performance as a bit of a 'Turkey'- but he would say that, wouldn't he? The riposte was stunning and rapid. The elder of the twins reached for his holstered repartee and shot the twat, square in the toupee. The rest is comedic history; go read.

The world would never be the same again. Rest in pieces Mr R and don't take any mind of my rambling prose/rose.

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