Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Prince Shagger is not amused

'Shagger the ferret' dressing up as Prinz Barrington

Wonderful emancipating news emanating from the be-speckled bestrewn, charming metropolitan district of North Tipton. It has just been announced that Prince Barry and his delightful consort, Princess Kylie, will make their inaugural visit to Tipton town next Michaelmas Eve. The incumbent Mayor, Baby, Baby Doc Vowel, is said to be beside himself with rapture and has commemorated the impending event by drawing a horsey in crayon, festooned and resplendent with a jauntily placed crown.

The royal doublet will be protected throughout the visit by the depleted Tipton police force armed with sticks with a nail through the end. Special force sniffer ferrets will ferret through the impending venues with suitable aplomb. Police Commissioner, Mr Officious Mugumbo, had this to say when sober : “It is incumbent on me as the Police Commissioner of this prestigious and well-appointed community to ensure that the royal heirs are afforded protection as befits my station as they gaily enjoy unfettered, and in the case of Princess Kylie, unbridled access to our urbane  sprawl.”

There is mounting concern that the royal visit may spark an outrage from various disgruntled fraternal organisations, such as the aptly named, Tipton Sewing Circle (TSC) and the North Dudley Organisation for the Advancement of Crochet (NDOAC). Both organisations feel slighted as their recent applications for a ‘Royal Charter’ have been rejected on the gainsay of Prince Barry. There is no love lost between these respective organisations either. It is only a decade ago that the TSC and NDOAC vied for control of the lucrative bodkin outlets. Many  TSC members were stitched up, ‘like a kipper’. Others were rushed to Tipton Royal Infirmary suffering from a severe case of the ‘vapours’ after having their bustles and gussets ruffled by rival seamstresses.

During their visit, the royal duo will sample all the delights Tipton has to offer. The itinerary includes a  tour of the glue factory followed by a saunter to the adjacent and strategically placed home for knackered nags. Princess Kylie has a particular interest in the welfare of our equine friends as she has an uncanny resemblance to a haggard old hinny. The culmination of the trip will involve the couplet being whisked orf in a private jet generously provided for by the tax burdened burghers of Tipton. Arse crinkle.

On hearing of the impending visit Mrs Ida Giveafuck, had this to say: “Why don’t they just fuck off and visit Dudley instead.

Wise words Mrs Giveafuck, wise words, indeed……       

Mrs Giveafuck


  1. I had a touch of the vapours once.
    I went to the cupboard for a buccal administration of laudanum.

    You are not nice to the Royals. What did they ever do to you?

    1. Laudanum dreams- need to keep with the up da kids. Word on the street is that tramadol is the new oxycontin. Perchance to slip into a coma...... C'mon, what have the royals done for me? The sit around all day farting and playing sport with their genitals; drooling and shouting obscentities at sundry passerbys- hang on, that's the house of Lords. I've got royal blood coursing through my veins like a ferret down a flexy tube. Read and weep:http://flaxensaxon.blogspot.co.nz/2015/07/ancestor-paradox.html

    2. "........But before being carried away with our new found regal status it is sobering to note that 99.99% (or greater) of our ancestors were undoubtedly of simple, poor, peasant stock. So if you are tempted to adopt airs and graces, you are well-advised to cast off pretensions and embrace a humble demeanour, as befits your lowly station........"

      This may be true, but try making a living as a past-life regression analyst if this is all you can tell your {victims) clients. Capitalism and human nature compels that the client's past lives to be rife with well-known historic personages and shit.