Flaxen Saxon's Sexual Healing: A Trilogy in four Parts

A concerned reader writes

Some folk don't need contraception

Dear Flaxen Saxon,

I solicit your advice on a sensitive and personal matter. I’m to be married in two weeks and would like your opinion on the most suitable contraceptive method for a newly married woman. I must mention that I’m a vegan, virgin and believe that to relinquish my maidenhead to my beloved, on my marriage night, is the greatest gift a woman can bestow on a man. I won’t use the contraceptive pill as my body is a temple. Also my intended eschews the contraceptive sheath as burning rubber releases dangerous polycarbonate hydrocarbons which are harmful to pristine rain forest habitats. I spoke to my doctor about this matter but he said he wasn't qualified to provide contraceptive advice. However, he’d met a bloke in a Smethwick pub who knew this Flaxen Saxon fellow who had a first aid certificate issued in 1974 by the Red Cross……[ad nauseum].

Flaxen Saxon dispenses wisdom with aplomb

First off, I applaud your diligence in maintaining an intact and un-nudged snatch. Where I come from the initial courtship ritual usually involves your mates holding the chosen maiden down. Consequently, there are no fragrant flowers to be plucked past the age of 16; a few ugly birds aside. Mrs Saxon can barely keep her knickers on and had performed ‘the hymen manourvre’ when she was 13. By the time I picked her up in the ‘Chain Makers Arms’ Bilsley, in 1978, she had already straddled her way through most of the men folk from Halesowen to West Bromwich. I digress. Here are my top 5 contraceptive methods for you green, left wing, tofu eating, middle-class twats:

    Blu Twat

1. Place a small piece of rolled up blu tac in the eyelet of the erect member. The main side effect, on release, is usually a slight bilateral swelling of the testicles. Don’t be alarmed! Pressure can be relieved by the application of a sterile wooden skewer. Beware of a catastrophic ballistic blowout. In such an eventuality, you may lose a tonsil or ovary, depending on circumstance. Look on the bright side and lose an ovary, thus decreasing your chance to conceive by 50%.

     Coitus Ani in situ: 'One up the bum, no harm done'         

2. Method is self-explanatory. There are no known side effects. Arse, big sore, arse.

     Salt 'n' Shake

3. Tie an empty crisp packet on the ‘old oak tree’. I like to use empty salt ‘n’ vinegar crisp packets as they have the added bonus of containing an active spermicide. Do not be tempted to use an empty packet from Walkers latest range: 'hot chilli and wasabi sauce.'

     Pearls of Jisdom

4. This is an advanced technique and should only be practiced by those possessed of an iron will. Withdraw member just prior to popping. Aim for the belly button. With practice and diligence you should be able to paint animal shapes on your loved ones stomach.

     Rad the Nad

5. Tape down the safety switch on your microwave. Close the door on your testicles (not too tight- otherwise refer to method 6). Turn the microwave on- don’t forget to rotate. Of course, the trick with this technique is to apply sufficient radiation to render the recipient temporary infertile without the need to visit the local Accident and Emergency Department.

Method number 6

Keep the questions coming gentle readers and the beautifully formed and flaxen haired one will endeavour to provide pertinent answers to your most perplexing conundrums and problems. Soapy tit wank.