Saturday, 16 August 2014

The West Midland's Tourist Board Says: Come to Majestic Tipton.

A typical Tipton resident on her way to collect her state benefits

Tipton nestles in the heart of the West Midlands. And indeed is the heart, lungs and thymus gland of merrie old England. Founded in 927 by the mad Saxon king, Flaxen it has now developed into a breathtakingly ugly, urban sprawl, punctuated by pound shops, pawnbrokers and kebab restaurants.

The town prospered in the middle ages due to the booming demand for leper bells and delicate pastries. Today these industries have gone but the entrepreneurial spirit lingers like a fart on a windless day. The Tiptonites have always been adaptable to change. These days they can found hanging about street corners bedecked in shell suits and cheap jewelry selling crack cocaine to passing tourists and wandering minstrels.

The main tourist draw, remains, as always, its town centre. Meet the locals as they lurch drunkenly across the town square shouting the age old refrain: "can you spare 20 quid for a case of Special Brew." Colourful street entertainers regale tourists with their hard earned craft and skills. For 50p Lugless Douglas will berate you with tales of how he lost his pinna in a freak ear cutting off exercise whilst pissed. Listen to Maggie Mugumbo as she explains why a wild weekend in Skegness resulted in her being shagged sequentially by the Wigan rugby team during the interval of the match between Widnes and the Dudley Scapegoats circa 1972. I could go on, but the last bottle of red wine I drank has started to kick in. I digress.   

Come and sample Tipton's fabled cuisine. The delicacy of the region, 'faggots and peas' can be obtained from the plentiful and pitiful street vendors which abound and rebound and survive cheek by jowl with assorted charity shops and Kosher meat outlets. Faggots are made from only the tenderest of rat's arses marinated in boiled ferrets urine. Yum. Faggots are usually drizzled with peas which been fermented for several years before being impregnated with a green fluorescent dye, aptly labelled E60689056. Yum fucking Yum. As usual, I digress.

To be continued......   

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