Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Noah’s Ark Found in Dudley High Street

                        Lot's Wife- 50p or 3 for a pound, only at Patel's Pound Emporium

Breaking news coming from the spa town of Dudley, West midlands- This correspondent has exclusive and comprehensive proof that Noah’s Ark has been unearthed close to Dudley market. Contrary to belief, the Ark did not alight on Mount Ararat and disgorge its occupants, two by two, in an orderly manner as related in the bible.

Mr Patel, manager and owner of ‘Patel’s Pound Emporium’ stated: "I uncovered the lost Ark whilst stocking the plastic Buddha’s in aisle two, next to the plaster  effigy’s of Nelson Mandela- 50p for one or 5 for a pound."

Mr Patel continued: "I noticed a ship’s prow sticking out of the shelf containing novelty wigs, chocolate penises and X ray specs."  At first, he thought his assistant, Mr Alfonso Plankinski- Mugumbo had inadvertently placed the novelty plastic Noah’s Ark on the wrong shelf. However, he became convinced when he found two unicorns on the top deck. Mr Patel pontificated, thusly: "The presence of the unicorns, on the Ark, neatly explains why unicorns are not a feature of today's fauna, innit." When probed about the diminutive size of the Ark and the fact that it appeared to be made out of pink plastic, Mr Patel, evinced: "Clearly being immersed for 40 days in water has invoked natural shrinkage. Eons of being buried in Dudley’s rich, loamy, pink soil has wrought a fundamental change in the very nature of the Ark itself, innit."

Support has been forthcoming from Dr Sanctimonious Fuckwit: "Bronze age trade winds could have easily carried the Ark to Dudley market."

It has not gone unnoticed that many the inhabitants of Dudley have big noses.    
Further evidence has been elicited from Nostradamus’ obscure quatrains:

When the land will be ruled by the Moor,
And the king of the Franks shall bend his bow,
Noah’s Ark will be found next to Dudley market,
In Patel’s Pound Emporium.

Professor Malcolm Frothmouth, of Dudley’s Advanced Institute of difficult stuff, had this to say: "Mr Patel is simply blowing bubbles out of his arse. This is clearly a marketing ploy to shift his overstocked, life size renditions, of Lot’s wife."

God was not available for comment.

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