Thursday, 13 March 2014

Spring Cleaning at the Saxon's Hovel

The serving wenches are giving the bedroom a bit of a spruce up. I did think about parquet wooden floors. A nice warm walnut would have suited the place to a tee. Edith 'Swan Neck' was wondering whether a nice fitted Persian carpet would enhance the decor. 

In the end we settled for mud and sawdust with the occasional mound of pig shit. We decided not to overdo it with the pig shit - I am a fucking king, after all. Furthermore, there is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night and standing in a pile of pig shit. Have you ever tried to tease pig plop from between your toes at 3 in the morning? The stuff cloys and catches under your nails. As I only bathe every Miklemas Yuletide it can become a considerable hygiene problem. 

Edith wanted to bedeck the place with floor to ceiling looking glasses and place dainty fripperies here and yonder. She said it is all the rage and de rigueur on the East Anglian plateau.  I eschewed fine silk drapes, hanging tapestries and a crystal chandelier and decided to tastefully scatter the place with the skulls of my fallen enemy. Eingar my faithful wolf crunched heartily on the mound of grinning noggins. ‘Take it outside Eingar, there’s a good boy.’

The comely wench with the broom is Freda. I suspect she has been pilfering the groats which occasionally spill from my codpiece after I come back from a heavy night of feasting in the Great Hall. I also suspect she be a sweeping some of the pig shit under the midden pot in the en suite. Of course, it could be that the commode is cascading and overflowing. 

Note to self: Need to shovel more mud and sawdust around the midden pot.

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