Flaxen Saxon's Sexual Healing: Part II

I received so many complaints after last week's post entitled, 'Flaxen Saxon's Sexual Healing', that I have decided to implement a regular series of posts on the same theme. Read on and weep.....

Mr Mugumbo winking

Dear Mr Saxon,
You seem a worldly-wise old cove and I would like your help on a matter very close to my heart, or loins, depending how you look at it. Having attained the tender age of 30 I feel there is something missing from my otherwise hectic life. This is very hard for me to put into words, so here goes: I’m bereft of female company, have never engaged in amorous congress and never had my Martian probe land in Venus. Can you help me in my quest to cream my first tart?
Mr Loney Mugumbo (of course it his him- it always is)

Dear Mr Mugumbo,

Talking about beating about the bush, or not, as in your case. Mr Mugumbo, all I can suggest is that you procure the services of a local lady of the night. Prostitutes never say no, never laugh at the size of your cock and never pass comment on the size of your cock.

Here are Flaxen Saxon’s top tips to help you in your quest to top your tip. Prostitutes come in two flavours: cheap and expensive. The cheap ones hang around street corners in dodgy neighbourhoods. They are often past their best and take drugs. The tariff is usually calculated by the number of missing teeth multiplied by the number of misspelt Indian ink tattoos; the higher the number the lower the cost. Once in the lair of the prossie be wary of ‘cock oysters’. These mucilaginous artefacts appear at random on the pavement and are usually preceded by a loud gagging and harsh hacking cough. The origin of these glutinous opaque gems is one of life’s mysteries. Some say they are Angel tears, some say they are the result of prostitutes clearing their throats after a particularly heavy night. Gentle readers, I will leave you to be the judge. However, if they be Angel tears then God had better be treating his celestial companions for conjunctivitis. Not all crap that fortuitously turns up on the pavement is manna from heaven. Although you may be in an urban wilderness, please don’t be tempted to sample.

The expensive ones are found in ‘escort agencies’. I suspect they may be out of your financial league unless of course you happen to be a high court judge or prominent politician.

I remember in my youth there was a particularly tall old whore who used to ply her trade at the back of Rackhams in Birmingham’s town centre. She must have been 6’ 10’’ and towered over the sad pathetic remnants of humanity who came to her for relief. To facilitate the transaction most men had to stand on a wooden box. Just as they were about to come she would kick it away, thus saving on condoms.

Ten'Gilda' Hilda

Otherwise, may I suggest you purchase a ‘latex lady’? Love dolls come in two flavours: cheap and expensive. The cheap variety you have to blow up and have a nasty habit of deflating when you insert a prick. The expensive ones are articulated, soft and vivacious. They are so life-like that they actually laugh at the size of your cock. If you can afford one of these, you really don’t need a real women.

Hello Sailor

Gentle readers please feel free to regale me with your problems and lamentable deformities, imagined or real, and I will endeavour to profer wisdom born of fortitude and aplomb.

Arse 

Tipton welcomes thoughtful gypos......

Gypos are nice folk, really

The Tipton tourist board extends the hand of welcome to all right thinking gypos out there. Come and make camp in one of our areas of outstanding beauty. Invite your friends and perch your garishly adorned mobile homes on our green and verdant grass verges. Feel free to lovingly deposit your rubbish and faeces as you please. Don’t forget to steal from the  locals  and  from any law abiding citizens who inadvertently cross your path . Don’t worry about paying tax of any kind. Intimidate and threaten and cause drunken mayhem in the local pubs. Education is overrated and  not being able to read or write is no impediment in our modern society. Let your flea bitten undernourished dogs roam and squat, at will, in children’s play areas.

Or if you prefer: Fuck off to the benighted shit hole you hail from.   ARSE.

                                                 

Mr Gypo O'Mugumbo, coming to you, soon

                                      Saxon hates fucking gypos

Flaxen Saxon’s sexual healing

Dr Ipod Mugumbo preped for surgery

I have a gift. I have been blessed with the ability to dispense sage wisdom with aplomb. I decided, many years ago, that this wonderful bestowment should be shared with the world. Tis my passion, nay, my reason for drawing breath and therefore I disburse my counsel to all who seek true enlightenment and, through no fault of their own, have floundered (belly up) on the tumultuous and winding path that is life……   Be still and know.

Dear Flaxen Saxon,

I have recently married and am desperate to conceive. My husband and I saw our doctor recently in the hope he could help. However, Dr Ipod Mugumbo (it is he, and none other), did not inspire confidence as he danced about in his native headdress and waved a shrunken head on a stick, over my barren, infecund, body. Can you proffer guidance and insightful penetration into my dark, dank and fetid nether regions?   

Flaxen dispensing……

May I ask a delicate question? Is your husband fully endowed with the power of penal turgidity? Tis a common problem with the modern man (Mr Floppy). Obviously if he is depositing seed outside the cavern of fruitfulness, due to mechanical/pneumatic issues, then your inability to bear fruit is understandable. That being the case, I suggest you avail yourself of Dr Mugumbo’s stick and ram it gently down your husband’s flaccid member. Feel free to pound the stick all the way to the hilt, with a mallet. Don’t forget to rotate. Thusly prepared your husband should be able to perform his duties without losing rigor. To ensure conception the mouth of the shrunken head should be left agape. It is recommended that your husband visits the emergency department after each attempt in order to remove splinters.




Dr Teapot's diagnostic instrument

After consummation, I suggest you stand on your head, open your legs, flex your pelvic floor muscles and blow bubbles. This will in no way enhance the possibility of fertilisation but at least will inject a moment of comic relief into a difficult and fraught performance.  

       

Tipton enters the space race

Rocket of doom

The launch of the Tipton space probe is imminent according to the Tipton West Astronautical Team (TWAT). After 6 weeks of break neck research, the space probe aptly and succinctly named: ‘The Pride of Tipton incorporating Netherton West and North Dudley’ will be launched as soon as the officials can locate a box of matches. This momentous occasion is the culmination of intense and highly secret work performed in the public bar of the local hostelry, the ‘Felching Ferret’. The landlord recalls the scene of frenetic actively performed by the dedicated research team and the resident inebriate, Mr Rubicund Visage-Mugumbo: “Mostly  they  sat brooding at the bar consuming copious amounts of Tipton best ale. Mr Visage-Mugumbo regaled all comers with tales of extreme inebriation. On occasion he would brew up and ignite a huge botty burp thus demonstrating the basic principles of interplanetary space travel to anyone who ventured into the blast radius; many a stalwart customer left the establishment bereft of eyebrows."

Shagger in training

 This most prestigious and wondrous space programme was entirely funded by a government research grant of 4 billion dollars. The launch will be presided over by Tipton’s incumbent mayor, Mr Enoch Vowel from his 4 billion dollar Chateau located in the South of France.  Tipton’s first astronaut will be none other than ‘Shagger the intrepid ferret.’ Shagger has undergone intense training at the 'Tipton  Centre for Ferretnauts.’  Most of  Shagger’s training comprised chewing his way through industrial strength polystyrene and consuming small kibble. Go Shagger!

The work was carried out in conjunction with Mr Patel, of ‘Mr Patel’s cheap Chinese firework emporium.’

             

 An artists impression of  Shagger on the martian surface

Ferret on mars

              

Napalm, ago, go

Put some ointment on that

Napalm is an incendiary weapon composed of a mixture of petrol and a gelling agent. Often soap or one of its derivatives is used. There is no exact formula for napalm and there are many recipes. Napalm was first formulated in 1942 due to a joint collaboration between Harvard university and the US government.

Petrol is a relatively cheap and effective weapon. It packs a lot of energy in a small package. When you combine it with a thickening agent you have the perfect weapon. When dispersed, napalm sticks to surfaces and denies attempts to be extinguished. As an anti-personal weapon it excels when compared to high explosive whether they be delivered by bomb or shell. The problem with high explosive as a weapon against man, is that it is wasteful in terms of energy usage. Thus much of the energy is expended and consequently wasted into the air or into the ground. Also the energy delivered at point of impact is extreme and overkill. A 75mm shell exploding immediately next to a man will undoubtedly kill him. In fact his body will be rent asunder. From a purely militaristic stand point this represents waste. The perfect weapon should deliver its energy in a more diffuse way. Only enough energy should be expended to kill. Ideally the weapon should not kill, but maim. Its is better to beget a cripple. In this way you remove the man as an effective combatant and render him as a burden to enemy society.

You may ask why I have an unhealthy/healthy preoccupation with napalm? My father was a British infantryman during the Korean conflict. On a hill, far away, in 1950, the Americans drenched the wrong hill with napalm. They call it collateral damage or friendly fire- tis a matter of perspective, I suppose. Some of my father's mates got stuck to trees. My father suffered severe burns to his hands and arms and spent the next 6 months in a Japanese hospital being reconstructed. That was the end of my dad's military career. I digress.   

There has much been said about the atomic bomb during the second World War. Is the plutonium bomb the most sublime of weapons? Probably. On the 9th March 1945 American bombers dropped napalm bombs on Tokyo. Six hundred and ninety thousand pounds of ordinance was delivered within the hour. The fire storm that followed killed 100,000 of Tokyo's inhabitants. Tokyo's  paper and wooden houses burnt well, as did their people. 60,000 people died at Hiroshima and 40,000 at Nagasaki. So the respective weapons are equal on that score. Why use nuclear weapons, which are 'radioactively dirty' when you could use napalm which is environmentally friendly- the greenies should take note. The kill for buck is cheaper and prudent governments are well advised to invest in soap.      

Influences on Darwin and his theory

Alfred Wallace: a great man with a great beard

Darwin’s seminal ideas and insight did not appear as if in an intellectual vacuum. Darwin’s biological studies, and particularly his observations whilst a naturalist aboard HMS Beagle, had a major influence on his formulation of ‘evolutionary theory’. But this is not the whole story. Darwin was clearly influenced by the intellectual milieu of his time. Many of the intellectual strands important and having bearing upon the theory had been worked out by others. Darwin’s own direct observations together with ideas already established culminated in a coherent explanation of how species change with time. The synthesis, in one mind, was ultimately due to Darwin’s genius. That being the case it will be worthwhile  to examine the ideas available to Darwin in the mid 1800s  which helped to shape his most wondrous of theories. This is by necessity an abridged treatment, a complete consideration is beyond the scope and remit of a modest blog article. Therefore I have limited the discussion to just a few of the most important men and their ideas. Bugger nuts. 

Lamarck (1744-1829)

The kinship between animal species is obvious. But did individual immutable species exist from the start or did they emerge from pre-existing forms and change by some mechanism, unknown. If this was the case it was no longer acceptable to say, ‘God did it’. A causal naturalistic mechanism was demanded. Lamarck was the first serious minded scientist to actually propose a mechanism. In 1809 he published his work on acquired characteristics. According to Lamarck’s theory, overuse of a body part would enable the animal to become better adapted to its environment and this characteristic would be passed on to the offspring. The classic example generally quoted is the case of the giraffe. It was proposed that the primitive giraffe stretched its neck to reach higher leaves, this would lead to offspring with longer necks which would eventually evolve into the very longed necked giraffe of today. There is no explanation about giraffe blotches. Why giraffes have blotched bodies on the savannah is bothersome to me. I digress.  Lamarck’s ideas were ignored during his life time and were rejected not on scientific merit but on religious grounds; makes me sad and want to burn stuff.  Darwin, in his autobiography, acknowledges that Lamarck influenced his own theories.

Malthus (1766-1834)

Thomas Malthus had a profound influence on Darwin and his ideas. Although not a scientist, but an economist, Malthus appreciated that populations are limited by resource supply. Unchecked, populations would grow exponentially, but this never happens. Ultimately populations of any species are regulated by food supply.

Erasmus Darwin (1731-1802)

Charles' grandfather Erasmus, was certainly interested in evolutionary ideas and wrote a book on how adaptations result in speciation. For the most part he narrated his notions in verse. Undoubtedly this was a ploy to keep him falling foul of the religious authorities of his day. It is easy to forget the power of religion during the early and middle parts of the 19th century and it is down to great men, like the Darwins, that we attribute the triumph of reason and science over stolid religious dogma.

Charles Lyell (1797-1875)

Lyell was a prominent 19th geologist and through his observations on fossils he began to suspect that small adaptations accrued over time.

Alfred Wallace (1823 -1913)

It would be unfair not to mention Alfred Wallace in the context of evolutionary theory. Although he did not exert any direct influence on Darwin, he did propose his own theory of evolutionary theory independently, and at the same time. In fact when Darwin heard of Wallace's ideas it spurred him on to publish his own theory. To Darwin's credit, he published a joint paper with Wallace entitled: "On the tendency of species to form varieties; and species by natural means of selection (1858)." Unfortunately for Wallace, either by chance or design, he never received the just credit and due for his important contribution. Ain't dat the sad truth.

Clearly, the situation with regard to factors, personalities and available contemporary knowledge contributing to Darwin's theoretical principles is highly complex and cannot be exhaustively considered in this brief sketch, but it will have to do. I have not ventured into any consideration of the influence of Darwin's experiences whilst collecting data and biological samples from abroad.       

The scene is now set for the next stage in the saga, that is evolutionary theory; the exposition of the greatest show on earth......

I give you: Kim Jong un, the god. All hail!

C'mon it's not as if there is no precedent for this sort of thing

North Korea, through its official news promulgation mouthpiece, 'Korean Unified News Transmission (KUNT)' has officially announced the divinity of the present glorious leader, Kim Jong un.    

Kim Jong un is now a god, it is official, and you better take heed especially if you live in North Korea. Of course the signs have been around since his illustrious birth and particularly noted by those who are paid for this sort of thing. And prudent courtiers are well advised to kowtow the party line especially since the much vaunted shortage of doggy food.

His birth was full of portents and wonders never seen outside the propaganda machine of a totalitarian closed society.

Kim Jong un was born in a luxurious Dacha on the sacred mountain just outside the capital city of Pingpong, next to a stable full of partially digested dissidents and well fed dogs. A radiant red star was seen shooting in the east, although the foolish, never to be seen again, did aver that it was a missile test gone awry. Shortly afterwards three wise generals arrived bearing arms/gifts. General Kim Poo dun proffered the infant prodigy Plutonium 239, Kim Dog well dun bequeathed the two vials necessary for VX production (check your chemistry), while the third general, Luca Brasi, brought pasta and wished that his first child, be a masculine child. I digress.

As he grew, he was always taller, faster, more aesthetically pleasing, athletic, better fed and fatter than his peers.

On the road to Pingpong one day he was enshrouded in a bright light and a loud booming sound was heard, as if from afar. Many who were not there at the time, saw this is as a mark of his divinity, while others, who were there at the time, surmised that he had been hit by a piece of errant missile; they were never seen again......

After attending Kun Jong un university, Kim Jong un so excelled in studious intimidation that he was awarded a PhD in all the major disciplines after just one year of insouciant study. During his lunch breaks, of which there were many, he would compose several books on topics so profound and arcane that only he and his pet gerbil, Kim Poo own eat, could understand.

After leaving the hallowed halls of academia he entered the military. His star was in the ascendant and needed no further help from badly constructed missiles (made in China) and he progressed from Cadet to five star general in the matter of six months and five purges (at least two after breakfast).

Of course there are the dissenters, but never in North Korea. Some folk say that he is nothing more than a nasty, tyrannical, short arsed little slope with a Napoleon complex. A man drenched in opulence whilst his people live in constant fear of starvation and the 'knock at the door'. A man who uses crude political gambits to extort resources out of the gullible West. A man who should shoot his barber and start eating more salads. They also say that he owes his position of power solely due to his grandfather's machinations and dynastic ambitions. Suitably endowed, his father ruthlessly, and without compunction, crushed his opponents and led his country into military brinkmanship and economic ruin.  But then again, they do say that nepotism tends to run in families.........         

 

Ouch, that must hurt. But I'm sure the people he surrounds himself are equally porcine

 

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