Friday, 3 July 2015

Come to Tipton Mall!

Okay, Filthy Eric has a few questionable hygiene habits, but he ain't no Zombie

Today, with pride and honour, the incumbent Mayor of Tipton, Mr 'Baby Doc' Vowel, officiated at the opening of Tipton's only premier mall, appropriately called: 'Tipton’s only Premier Mall'. To inaugurate the inauspicious opening, Mr Vowel threw a half eaten donner kebab at the front entrance. The kebab promptly slipped sluggishly to the floor, whence it instantly congealed into a glistening morass/mass. This momentous event augurs well for the future of this prestigious establishment.

Even before the mall opened, half the shops were boarded up and covered in ill conceived graffiti. The clutch of Pawn/Porn shops are expected to thrive as is 'Mr Khan's Cheap Liquor Establishment of Oblivion'. 'Mr Patel's Pound Store' sits cheek and jowl next to Wang's Cheap Discount, Cut-Price, Cut-Throat, Low-Cost, Boutique'. And no inner city mall would be viable, or replete, without the ever present, 'Super Fags' outlet.

Local itinerants and foreign 'tourists' have already shown their enthusiasm and support by moving in and placing their bed rolls strategically in door ways. Filthy Eric's place lies adjacent to the bolted ‘Emergency Exit’ for quick egress on benefit day.

Filthy Eric, has left the building
This well thought out mall provides for every demographic. Posing, intimidating youths, in hoodies can congregate in the poorly lit aisles dispensing drugs and ill gotten gains with aplomb. World-weary, intimidated, superannuated folk, can swap tales of mirth and woe whilst glancing precariously at the turbulent youth and gypos with rheumy beclouded corneas. Thieves abound, and pilfer with boldness and impunity.  

The mall even comes equipped with a fully functioning 'Sick Bay'. A bucket placed at a jaunty angle provides the denizens of Tipton with a receptacle for relinquishing their stomach contents after a Saturday night sampling the delights of the liquor store and 'Fat Mugumbo's Fast Fried Fat Filled Fancies'. Arrrrrrrsssssse.

Teddy, is still in the building. Come save him, please

It can only get better…….


  1. It cor ave bin that long since yow bin in Tippen, owner kid...

    1. "ower kid" - bleedin' smart arse autocorrect

    2. Tis true Ted, haven't been Tiptonside for nearly 20 years.