Exhilarating news from the sleepy, picture perfect, West Midland town of Tipton on Canal. As revealed by Tipton's only independent and succinctly named newspaper: 'The Tipton Bugle incorporating South Dudley and the Marches approaching Sedgley, but not including Smethwick West or Merry Hill, North', the glorious leader of the glorious democratic republic of glorious North Korea, General Kim do Poo is destined to visit our hallowed town on a state inspired visit. During his time in Tipton, the glorious leader will inspect Tipton’s fledging nuclear facility currently teetering on the Tipton-Dudley seismic fault. In addition, he will find time to visit local hairstylists before wheezing his way to the local dog pound. Kim eat Chow is an animal rights advocate of the highest order and is expected to take a culinary interest in our four legged and succulent friends.
After a busy morning, he will stop off at ‘Mr Khan’s Cheap Greasy Food Emporium’. There he will dine on non-canine inspired fancies, such as, fresh mould fish served directly from the black waters of the local canal; frog fritters, a local delicacy prepared from only the healthiest mutant frogs from the cooling pond at the Tipton nuclear facility. Dessert will comprise of mud cake prepared from only the finest mud from the cooling pond at the Tipton nuclear facility.
During his visit, Dim does Pong will be escorted by the new incumbent Mayor, ‘Baby Doc’ Vowel. As you will recall, ‘Baby Doc’ was unanimously voted Mayor after the tragic death of his father, ‘Papa Doc' Vowel in a Siamese brothel. In fact, not only did ‘Baby Doc' command 125% of the vote he was also inaugurated into office the day before the election. All this attests to ‘Baby Doc's’ astonishing foresight, popularity and ability to control a band of intimidating thugs.
|The Glorious Leader posing with a typical Tiptonite|
The similarity between the great Larders is uncanny. They both possess a dignified and agreeable paunch. They both give off an ethereal, divine glow, although some doubters, no longer with us, declare that this is due to tarrying too long at their respective atomic piles. But the similarities don’t just end there. While Cum up Bum was born atop a sacred mountain, ‘Baby Doc’ was conceived on the roof rack of a Ford Cortina. Both leaders are academic prodigies. Kim un Twat gained several PhDs during a single semester at 'Kim does Pong' University, whilst our exalted leader, 'Baby Cock' (All Hail our Glorious Leader!) obtained CSEs in both geography and woodwork after his third attempt (grade 6).
A trade agreement is imminent between our great nations. In exchange for pot noodles, faggots, peas, mould fish and a dog called 'Lassie', the North Koreans will supply, on an irregular basis, assorted novelty figurines of their glorious leader, posing regally and looking at stuff, in lycra.
Citizens, we truly live in wondrous times.