Pointless and Boring Headlines Part II

                                   

The news has been monopolised by the ‘crony virus thingy’ of late. With the world in lockdown otherwise, legitimate news has disappeared as nothing is going on worthy of reporting. Desperate hacks have become parochial and inward-looking. They have been scouring their local environs desperately looking for stories vaguely newsworthy.  The result is a series of piss poor reporting of brain-numbing proportions.  However, all the following headlines occurred before the current crisis....... Read the following ‘news’ and be underwhelmed.  Tis been noted that these headlines are exclusively from Britain- what does this have to say about our national character?

Surely a 'body of water' is a duck's natural element. If you have to rescue a creature from its natural environment then you are dealing with a very crap critter indeed. And what about good old tax payer's gelt? Should the municipal coffers be evacuated for the 'rescue' of useless creatures? What happened to good old natural selection? Darwin would not have approved: adapt or die; survival of the fittest; let drowning ducks drown. Talk about a lame duck.  

 

Continuing with the 'Duck theme'. Could these ducks be in any way related to our intrepid drowning duck in the previous headline? I think a duck cull is called for in these circumstances. Sometimes evolution needs a helping hand. But in these days of unlimited compassion, it is more likely that the council will be providing duck shelters so that our damp feathered friends can obtain relief from the wetness of water. 

                         

The great custard shortage of 2009. I remember it well. Nary a grain of custard could be found. Distraught mums were driven to use inferior 'mock custard' as a substitute. Some were even forced to serve tapioca and semolina pudding to their uncomprehending offspring. Will this calamity never end?! Luckily it did once the next custard delivery van arrived. But for a time it was touch and go for the doughty burghers of Whitstable.

   

                               

The old, 'gun up the bum' trick- it takes the concept of 'concealed weapon' to another level.

Nonetheless, I can never understand why the police don't routinely search the general public for anally inserted firearms. I wonder what type of gun was found in this case? I'm assuming the ordinance was not particularly large. A mini-gun perhaps?

                                             

O dear lord, this poor girl will be psychologically scarred for life. I'm hoping the offending teacher has been sent for 'reeducation' at the 'Snow Flake Institute for Teachers Calling their Pupils Pirates'. How are our youngsters expected to grow into well-balanced adults if they are subject to such cruel and blatant abuse by their educators? I'm only glad this poor girl didn't have a wooden leg.                                         

  

 

I have had the misfortune of visiting Swansea on Sunday and I can vouch that this is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to this town since the great custard shortage of 2009. Apparently, this is the burning hot topic in the coffee room: colour or a black and white copier, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the office to suffer the black and white tones of outrageous fortune, Or to take up a colour cartridge against the blandness of grey. And by opposing monotone end them.

I'm hoping that the councilors of this unpronounceable town (no vowels) vote for the colour copier. Can you imagine the excitement of the staff when they realise that they can photocopy their arses in glorious colour? Polychrome really brings out the brown stains. 

Pretty un-sporting of old gran. She might not be dead but she certainly does not look well. Perhaps she is resting? You think she would have just gone along for the ride and pretend she was dead. Saves a lot of bother in the near future. I hear cry: 'Bring out your dead and the moribund'.

 

Tooth sans John Lennon is probably not worth going to see. Even if the tooth was still attached to this troubled 'genius' I wouldn't recommend the effort. After all these years he will be unrecognisable and may pong a tad. This is the inevitable progress/process of decomposition that all biological organisms must follow unless given up for embalming. Bugger, I've just realised: Lennon was cremated.

This is not a sentiment that resonates with me. I suspect that it can be mildly annoying if the scheduled omnibus does not arrive. As for fury- this seems like hyperbole and a bit over the top. As said, this is something I can't relate to as I don't travel by public transport. Tis the travel choice of the poor, bereft, and frankly smelly proles. Add a few mental health patients and you have the typical clientele for this mode of transport. 'Let them buy a car'.

Is Der Fuhrer sporting a new disguise? Has the leader of the Third Reich been reincarnated as Fluffy the kitten? NO. Tis simply a feline with a black smudge in its fur vaguely reminiscent of Hitler's mustache. Has this kitten got a hankering for invading Poland and sending his panzer divisions on an ill favoured jaunt into Soviet Russia? Will said divisions be negotiating the vast disconsolate steppe stopping only at Kiev and Stalingrad to take in the sights/delights of these majestic testaments/tenements to the Stalinist 5-year plan?  Again an emphatic, No! Instead, Fluffy will be dining on flaked tuna and enjoying a well-deserved belly rub from its owner.

                                                    Für die Neugierigen

Heil Kitler

And finally, we come to a very tragic event involving my own 'Alma Mater'. Apparently, my school mysteriously burned to the ground several days after I graduated. No one was caught for this conflagration of doom. I'm not sure whether there is a statute of limitations for this sort of thing. As for the culpable, miscreant incendiary: the identity of the youth with long flaxen hair will always remain a mystery wrapped in an enigma and lost in the great expanse of time Nuff said.