Tuesday, 25 December 2018

Flaxen’s Anal Christmas Address 2018

Ho, bloody, ho

Another year has passed and disintegrated into a stinking heap of assorted detritus of no common denominator. Flaxen’s fortunes have waxed and waned in tune with his throbbing ingrowing toe nail. Wondrous times you might say tinged with a fearful patina of moribund and dread. Yet amongst the rumours of war, we can all take heart with the promise of a bright tomorrow full of hope and stagnation.

It is my fervent aspiration, that this year, I won’t be abducted by anal probing aliens of obscure providence/provenance. Tis a feature correlated with bouts of heavy drinking all too prevalent at this time of year. But correlation does not equal causation, and for this, we should be eminently thankful. Indeed, I am of stout countenance, full of incontinence and thrusting vigour. Aliens beware! Flaxen will be mindful and imbued with extreme cognisance. This will prove fruitful in combatting any itinerant, painful and largely unwarranted alien induced proctology.

Enough of dwelling on my painful and unsolicited alien abductions. I would like to concentrate my thoughts and dedication on promoting world peace at this inauspicious time of year. A time of great bounty and fortitude. A time that will reverberate down the hallowed corridors of extreme profusion. No doubt there will be naysayers there will always be folk of that ilk. But gentle readers, be not nonplussed or imbued with impending inconsequence. For there will rise, from the depths of extreme fortitude, a hope never stifled and unsullied by dedicated insouciance.  Nay, may vigilance be on the forethought of your nested and strangely everted moral landscape. May the watchword ‘Awake’ be emitted/submitted from your succulent, moist and delightfully pursed lips.

 On this propitious Christmas day, I would like to dispel heartfelt ruminations of felicitous apprehension and foreboding. Let the spirit of the season infuse/imbue, concentrate and ultimately relinquish any thoughts not in tune with harmonious abode/abide. May the furies which assail your very being, abate, at least for a small span, enabling a deep and abiding fortitude not normally witnessed by this benighted generation. For myself, I will take time to reflect and ruminate on felicitous fortune; sometime fickle, but always capricious. Surely, there is some comfort in that?

Enough for now, gentle souls. Remember to keep yourself clean, well-watered and as always, keep taking your prescribed dose of medication as indicated by a syndicated and mostly competent medical professional. And if the voices in your head are insistent and dedicated upon the burning of sundry abodes of scant acquaintance, be mindful, reflect on the resultant sequelae. Or at least remain unsullied by the acquaintance with undiscriminating law enforcing authorities. Take heed or render despair as your nemesis! ARSE.

                                  Merry Yuletide         



  1. Three of the voices in my head are telling me to burn people: the other one is wondering if penguins have knees.

    1. I had to look this up Ted. Apparently, penguins do have knees. Tis a mere illusion as most of their leg is covered by feathers. As for the burning of folks various/nefarious. What can I say.....