Tuesday, 31 May 2016

The Mugumbo Files: Part I

The following email exchange occurred between your esteemed host and a dusky gentlemen of rather dubious provenance. The picture he attached is clearly a true likeness. The jaunty angle of his head is probably due to his rather extensive lever problem.

 
Mr Mugumbo needs to lever his head back into position
Dear Sirs,
Allow me to introduces myself and hope I am not imposing on your personal privacy. I am Colonel Iphone Mugumbo late attaché to the late Badluck Mumbojumbo former President to the central African country of Cesspitagogoland.
I proposes a confidential proposal of strict secrecy and confidentiality. I am party to the late Badluck’s estate comprising $38,567,000 monies (THIRTY EIGHT MILLION FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS). Having passed your details through certain confidential processes you have emerged with honour and spanking brand new. Due to an impending cancer of the lever I am contemplating an expedite conclusion of our businesses. My doctor has told me I will expire in 6 months because of my impending medical predicament. If you are interested to assist I will disperse 40% of the monies in your favor. My share of the dispersement will bequeath to my wife so she can move to the UK when I surely expire.  Do not worry all modalities have been covered and you have no risk to yourselves. As a fellow man of God and a good Christian who love the Lord with impeccable fortitude I await with awe your heartfelt positive responses. 

True with God
Colonel Iphone Mugumbo

 
Dear Iphone,
You have my deepest sympathies. Cancer of the lever is not to be taken lightly. Of course you can trust me implicitly as you would expect from a complete stranger with a tenuous grip on reality (wibble). I must say before we undertake any transaction that I am not a Christian but a follower of the elder gods. Having established my credentials and bona fides how are we to progresses the processes and when do I get my sticky mitts on all that ill-gotten monies? As for the 'spanking': I think we need to keep this under bubble wrap as my gimp suit is still in the laundry being scraped, cleaned and sanitised.

Yours with lube
Flaxen Saxon
 

My Dear Flaxen Saxon,
Your responses is well noted. I emphasies that you must keep our transaction secret and remain secure. I contacted a wise man and he is our village doctor and he cast your fortune and says you will become a very wealthy man. You must believe what I say as a dying man can only tell truths. My partner, Bar Lighthouse Umbongo will now send you instructions. You must follow and trust this man as you trust Gods right hand man. I hopes that you and your family are well and not suffer as I suffer.

Colonel Iphone Mugumbo

 Dear Iphone,
Just to let you know my gimp suit has come up squeaky clean and I'm ready to spank anew. I even managed to remove those unmentionable hard to get rid of stains. I've been thinking about your lever problem. Have you thought about obtaining a fulcrum? Fulcrums and levers go together like ferrets and whippets. Actually, I do suffer currently. I have a small but unsightly pimple on my ARSE and I'm a very vain fellow. Witch doctor do you allude to, perchance? What would he suggest for what ails my ARSEsoul; a quick casting of the bones; a light squeezing of the pustule or the application of a soothing unguent. Tell me what he recommendies?  

Yours with a whip
Flaxen Saxon
 
I think this workys
 
My Dear Flaxen Saxon,
Levity does not lie with serious businees. I am informed you are a serious man to whom I could conduct this transaction. Why waste my time with friviolous pictures? Do you not want riches beyond your wildest imagination? If not tell me candidly and I shall deal with a man who embraces wealth and who can look after his family.

Colonel Iphone


Dear Iphone
Please accept my serious apologies. I am presently suffering from a serious brain melody and subject to ejaculate selected verses from the musical 'Calaminity Jane': "Whip Doris Day, whip Doris Day". I seriously state I'm a serious man dedicated to progresses, modalities with aplomb and expeditaries. I entrities you to implores Mr Bar to contact me immediately, if not sooner, so we can share our intimate confidencies.

 "Oh the Deadwood Stage is a-rollin' on over the plains"

Flaxen Saxon     

TO BE CONTINUED.....
 

6 comments:

  1. "To be continued....."?

    Oh fuck, I hope not!?!?!?!?

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  2. Wot you don't want to read my exchange with the delightful Bar Lighthouse Umbongo?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Deadwood!

    Get Swearengen to send Dan and Johnny over there to straighten out iphone.

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    Replies
    1. Howdy Pilgrim, I wondered when you would mosey on down to my site........

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  4. Dear FS, here's some arse stuff you might like:

    http://s2.b3ta.com/host/creative/13/1464727032/watchbum.jpg

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    Replies
    1. Arrrgh, the delightful bottom inspectors: Viz at its finest.

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