Saturday, 18 October 2014

The Tomb of King Flaxen Unearthed in Tipton

King Flaxen's tomb

Breaking news from the spa town of Tipton (incorporating Dudley West and Smethwick North). Today, it can be revealed that the tomb of the 'Mad Saxon' 10th century king of Tipton (incorporating Halesowen and Brierley Hill) has been unearthed on the site of an ancient midden pit. King Flaxen (for it is none other), also known as 'Flaxen the Addled' ruled his mighty kingdom by a combination of sage administration, sound fiscal policy and extreme violence.

His tomb lies today within the Tipton Metropolitan rubbish dump, adjacent to Mr Patel's kebab shop and home for tasty stray animals.

Dr Treehouse Mugumbo, renowned archaeologist and ferret tamer at Tipton University of difficult stuff and that, takes up the narrative with characteristic fervour: "This is a remarkable historical find of significant historical import and is likely to rewrite the history books, as we know it. Arse"

King Flaxen was found in repose, be-straddled by his trusty double headed Danish War axe, 'Twat Cruncher' and his mighty sword, 'Arse, Big Fat Arse Biter'. In addition, his body was bestrewn with a 100,000 Tipton groats, valued in today's money as equivalent to 5 billion Zimbabwe dollars, or about 50 pence.

King Flaxen's remains are in astoundingly good condition. This is probably due to his fondness for imbibing the local alcoholic drink, mead which embalmed his robust and beautifully formed frame. DNA has been extracted from his well preserved scrotal sac and genetic testing has unequivocally determined that the incumbent mayor of Tipton (incorporating Halesowen and Brierley Hill), Mr Enoch Vowel, is a direct descendant of the mad Saxon king. On hearing the news, Mr Vowel had this to say: "It comes as no surprise, I've always had this pervading feeling of being special, indeed I went to a special school. I will be a wise and magnanimous ruler but will brook no dissent or criticism, whatsoever. From now on you will refer to me as King Enoch and scrape and bow in my presence under the pain of death. By right of birth, I now own the environs of Tipton (incorporating Halesowen and Brierley Hill) and all its chattels and bondsmen."            

All hail king Enoch

An artist impression of how King Flaxen may have looked in his prime, circa 923 AD. Note the clarity and detailed rendering of the visage.

Handsome bugger, ain't he?

In a civic ceremony, King Flaxen's remains were unceremoniously flung onto the Tipton Metropolitan dump site. King Flaxen's remains will remain here for an eternity unless consumed by stray dogs or rendered down for glue by a wandering band of Romanian gypos.

Stray dogs and gypos are said to be circling the periphery, as I write..........


  1. Maybe they could give him a state funeral to just like Richard the turd, who is set to break records by being the longest delayed burial of a monarch in History, although Prince Charles disagrees.
    Maybe they could have a double burial and save some money! ;)

  2. I've always believed the dead should bury the dead. By all means re-bury the last English king, but only if it costs the tax payer, nowt. Or perhaps the foreign Prince Charles could pay from the revinue of his vast estates.