Christmas Akimbo!

 

Tis the magical time of year when all strife ceases and goodwill over flows from the chalice of human kindness. Regardless of creed or religious affiliation folk come together as one and peace reverberates through a land, fecund and verdant. No dissention is heard. Generosity is manifest and smiles are on the lips of everyone as they dance in unmitigated joy. Hark and hear the laughter of small children as they hold hands and frolic with joyous abandon.

This year the Flaxen household will partake of the simple joys of the season. Cosy chats around an oak log fire. Sensible imbibing of egg nog and other alcoholic beverages will ensue. Roasted chestnuts will keep Jack Frost at bay and mistletoe will adorn the high eaves of our humble five bedroom abode.

Choristers will sing, in harmony, at our holly bedecked door. Snow will flurry pristine white upon the land and settle in drifts after a light choreographed scurrying. No tumult: all will be tranquil, sweet accord. Mother nature in tune with Man and Mankind responds in kind- sweet sigh of unrelenting, unsurpassed bliss.   

Merry Christmas to all my gentle readers and may the New Year be bountiful and cast sweetmeats at your sublime countenance. As you have probably guessed, I have already partaken of the Christmas medication. In my dreams, ferrets are always winged. Go Shagger!

Splaying Akimbo

Tis always good to start off with a definition of the topic under investigation, as it aids clarity of thought and purpose. And today's topic concerning the vexed issue of 'manspreading' needs all the help that can be mustered to promote, not only clarity, but comprehension.

Manspreading definition: the act or practice by a man of sitting with the legs spread wide apart (as in a public seating area) in a way that intrudes on the space of others.

Note: the definition applies solely to men, women for some reason appear to be exempt. In my mind, someone intruding onto another chair is a selfish twat, regardless of gender.

But feminists are not really concerned with the supposed issue of taking up space. They are more concerned with men ostensibly exposing their genital area as a signal of toxic masculinity. It doesn't matter if the wretch is not intruding on another's seat, the agenda is clearly centred on man bashing and a means to berate the male gender into some sort of submission. 

It will not go unnoticed that men's genital bits and pieces are external and therefore an impediment to the seated male. Therefore, we spread our legs as an act of comfort. The 'boys' hate to be constricted/restricted in a cramped domain. Only by unleashing the 'beast' within are we able to garner peace and tranquility in a world gone awry.     

A student from Brighton University, England was so moved by the 'problem of man spreading' that she found it necessary to invent a chair, so cunningly designed, that it prevents the incumbent from splaying akimbo.

The academic institution was so impressed that Mizzzz Fanny Whistle (makes a change from Mugumbo) was awarded the princely sum of £1,000. I'm not an entrepreneur, but I suspect the chair suitably fashioned with a wooden wedge is unlikely to be a commercial success. This is an instrument of torture and I want my twinkle, and the boys, to bask in the heady perfume that is freedom. They demand space to bathe and breathe in the cooling fresh air/hair. They will never be subject to tyranny and subjugation. Let my bits run free, unfettered and wild! 

I espied a photo of Mizzzzzzzz Funny Fanny, and I must admit her appearance fulfils the ugly, fat, rabid anti-man, dyke paradigm. No shit, Flaxen.

Irrespective of the above observations, the other problem I have with the 'anti-man spreading chair' is that it is supposed to represent the culmination project for a bachelor's degree. Nailing a piece of wood to a chair does not smack of cutting edge technology and hardly represents the pinnacle of academic achievement. Awarding the design with a cash prize is an insult and affront to folks who genuinely design stuff that make our everyday life a little bit easier.  Arse Bucket.

Rant over, I'm off to burn down the local 'Old Folk's Home' to assuage the beast within.   

     

   

Jupiter and Saturn's Conjunction

       Artist impression of tonight's conjunction after 15 pints of best ale

Tonight will see the conjunction of the planets Jupiter and Saturn in the night sky. They will appear just a hairs breath from each other. This is the closest conjunction for 800 years. The last time, Genghis Khan and the lads were laying waste to vast regions of the known world punctuated with the occasional mound of skulls. 

For simple folk, significant planet alignments have been viewed as harbingers of bad portent. Even today, the 'Doomsday Squad' are predicting unpleasant side effects accompanying this outré cosmic phenomenon. Some enterprising souls have found the following Nostradamus quatrain strangely prescient:

'And when the flaxen haired man of the Isles (no relation) doth contend with the plague,

A bright star will appear in the West and cast a baleful light/blight upon the land.  

The peasantry will be confined to their council houses (sic),

And tarry not to the local pub and Harvester for unlimited salad and two steaks for one, Monday only (before 8pm)'. 

I'm astonished that any sane person can see any parallels with Nostradamus' scribblings and today's momentous events. Nuff said.

  

Special Lock Down Rules for the Black Country

 

⚠️ AREA LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL⚠️

WILLENHALL - You are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.

DUDLEY - Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.

DARLASTON - You can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.

WALSALL - Having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.

WOLVERHAMPTON - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.

BILSTON - Prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only

WEST BROM - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open

WEDNESBURY - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.

TIPTON - Do as you want, even Covid wouldn’t go to TIPTON, Shithole!

Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together

I confess I did not pen these scurrilous lines concerning the rather distinct and endearing area in England known as the Black Country. I must thank a fellow Black Country lad, Ted Treen, for sending these latest government approved instructions to my fellow Black Country folk. Sad to say I suspect that these wise words will go unread as the literacy rate in the region, at last census, was 0.9%, while numeracy was 3 groats of a tanner. And while it is true that my writings within this blog are none too flattering to the place of my birth I must admit a certain fondness for the region and the tough, singular and self deprecating folk of the Black Country. As my granddad used to say, "Flaxen, yam a saft aypeth". 

 Translation on request

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Information Paradox and Black Holes

Are black holes sexy? No, of course not, that would be simply silly and the raging of a man teetering on the edge (nay cusp) of (in )sanity: mayhap with erotic tendencies. So, no more will be said on this aspect of black holes.

In the 1970s Stephen Hawking showed that black holes leaked thermal radiation (Hawking radiation). This was a puzzle in itself as black holes are notoriously reluctant to return what it hath consumed. But there lurks an even greater problem that could shake the fundamentals of physics to its very core causing this noble science to totter, nay topple, into the chasm of inconsistency and doom.

Tis a fundamental tenet of physics that information in the form of energy and mass cannot be destroyed. Mass can be converted into an equivalent amount of energy and, in theory at least, energy can be become mass, albeit under strange and wonderful conditions as described by mathematics. This is the simple expression of Einstein's famous equation: E=MC2. Also, the informational characteristics of particles cannot be lost. Particles possess a set of physical characteristics i.e. spin, position, parity, charge etc. This is the distinct ‘finger print’ of every particle in the universe. In theory, if every characteristic of every particle in the universe could be known (PhD thesis, perhaps?) then it would be possible to describe the universe, to the most intimate and minute level.

Hawking radiation causes energy and hence mass to be slowly lost from black holes and eventually, after vast eons of time, the black hole will evaporate and be no more. At first sight this is not a problem as it seems that whatever goes in eventually returns to the universal fold. But this is not the case. The relentless loss of thermal radiation, over time, is devoid of information. In simple terms if you throw a ferret (might be Shagger) into a black hole the information contained therein should be retrievable and the ferret (perhaps Shagger) reconstructable. However, as the black hole, very slowly diminishes over time, the information supposedly contained therein emerges not at all. This causes a very worrying paradox as the loss of information is in violation of axiomatic laws of physics. Does this deviation from nature indicate that, physics as we know, is broken or is there a possible explanation using known physical laws? Shagger needs to know.

  Clever theoretical physicists have come up with a number of hypotheses to explain this        apparent contradiction. The other approach, rewriting physics and rebuilding a stout              edifice anew has not proved popular. I’ll outline a couple of possibilities, here, albeit very    briefly. In fact, I will list just five explanations; there are numerous others. I will not           comment to regard the various merits/demerits of each proposal. For one, I don't have the     space and secondly I don't have the relevant expertise. As always with highly technical     subjects, I strongly suggest you seek additional information, from experts in the field. True   wisdom is but a Google search away....

• The information passes into another universe where it is retained but inaccessible
• Maybe blacks holes don't disappear altogether and a remnant exists until the universe disappears. In this scenario, all information remains plastered to what remains, and unlike the black hole, the paradox, just disappears
• Another hypothesis suggests that information is regurgitated toward the very end of black holes' life
• Perhaps the information slowly leaks out with the Hawking radiation, but we haven't noticed   
• The information just 'vanishes'- deconstructs all known physical laws     

 What all the solutions have in common is that they are all mathematical constructs. Now,   physics is essentially an empirical science- this is an obvious truism, as all sciences, by   definition, are empirical and science cannot live by mathematics alone. Mathematics is not   science and at its core it is a notational kin of logic. While it can bolster and add credence   to scientific theoretical postulates it can never prove that postulate. For scientific proof,   empirical knowledge is required. In other words, practical data must be obtained and this   implies that physical measurement, of some sort, occurs. And in this respect we have a   problem. Not only do we not have the relevant data concerning black holes, we also have   no way of remedying the situation. Deep thought will ultimately not do. Theoretical   physicists do grand work in providing hypotheses and ideas but 'proof'' can only occur   when they pass on the fruits of their intellectual labour to their more practical physicist   brethren. 

Recently, there has been a flurry of interest concerning a new paper purporting to have  resolved the problem (?resolved-check here for informed commentary). No such thing. This  paper, although very interesting, just adds one more possible solution to an already  lengthy list of theoretical solutions. What we can state with certainty: either one of the  proposed solutions is the correct one or, none are correct. Mayhap the solution has not been thought up as yet? What we don't possess is the capability to choose between these 'answers' and discern a real solution. We are awash in a sea of ideas but these is no firm empirical land to dry our data bereft shoes (Flaxen waxing, bollocks). Thus, we have no hard data to help us distinguish  between the numerous theoretical models that have been proposed.

The real problem is that we are unable to access data to solve this problem. An issue that is unlikely to be reversed and without data the paradox is essentially unsolvable. What do my readers think? Am I being unduly pessimistic? Or is my hard headed empirical approach entirely valid? Let me know in the comments. Perhaps we can stir up a lively debate?

                                          Shagger and his own black hole

Tis Flaxen in his role of Agony Uncle

I have decided to try my hand at this ‘agony aunt’ thingy. It can’t be too hard, can it? I’m a wise old scrote who has experienced the cup of life to the full. Little has been denied to me in my hard, rollicking, roller coast ride of existence. Thusly, I think I’m fully qualified (I have a grade 4 CSE in wood work & grade 5 in Technical Drawing) to dispense my perspicacity with veritable verve and insouciance (nay torpor). Let us proceed without visible restraint. Or in other words: Flaxen Saxon writing complete and unmitigated, bollocks (as is my wont).

 

A reader writes……..

 

Dear Flaxen Saxon, I have a teensy whitsie issue with my next door neighbour (tis Mr Lighthouse Mugumbo). Over the garden fence, one day, we discussed, theological issues, akimbo, which have brought forth ire and hysterical dissent. Anyway, my neighbour is of the opinion that Jesus was born of woman and therefore mortal, but also partakes of the divinity of God. Jesus, whilst on earth, was fully human and only reverted to divinity once he was transported to heaven where his essence merged with God’s essence and the essence of the Holy Ghost to become One Godhead. I do not agree, according to my mind, Jesus’ entity and essence was always fully divine. His human, mortal guise was a pretense and his appearance merely mimicked that of a living, breathing man. His apparent mortality was a façade; an apparition; a phantasm and a trick of the light.

 

Flaxen responds with aplomb.

 

The question of Jesus’s nature, although controversial during the first 3 centuries, after our Lord’s ascension, was finally settled at the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD. Your manifest and steadfast viewpoint is in accord with the Nicene Creed, fully ratified at the council of Trent, in the 16^th century. Therefore your neighbour’s conception, perception and deception of Jesus’s full nature is heretical and consequently, therefore, your neighbour descends into the abyss that is apostasy. Of all the sins, the sin of heresy is the most heinous. The sin of heresy sins against the God’s majesty and is a direct challenge, and grave affront, to his divine dominion; incendiary redress is demanded, forthwith!

 

So how are we to deal with your neighbour and his grave and cardinal sin? There are those, no doubt moved by pity and false compassion, who would countenance any means possible to mitigate the sin. Renouncing heterodoxy will not do on this occasion. Through their willful attentiveness and their willingness to appease they also descend into grave heresy, themselves. Do not vex your Lord, for his wrath is like your winky being gnawed upon, and consumed, by a divine host of ferrets- consisting of Shagger and his rather large, extended family of Muscidae. 

 

Regardless of misguided sympathies, the only true way of dealing with a heretic after committing the unpardonable, is a swift and severe burning. Forget the ‘light singeing’ option beloved by our less committed brethren. Compassion, in regard to heresy, is also a graven/craven heresy in itself.

 

You must gather a gaggle of stout, stalwart yeoman (and a couple of ferrets, Shagger included), collect faggots (not the winky up da bum kind, Arse) and wend to your neighbour’s domicile. You must bind your neighbour’s wrist with sisal and soon thereafter, administer a sound scourging with a yew rod flecked with slivers of iron. Thereafter, place a stave unto the ground and hammer until firm and non-compliant and waverth not in a stout bluster, intermittent or otherwise. The heretic must be soundly swaddled with strong hemp. If the heretic screams for quarter, the tongue must be binded, otherwise the occasional passersby may be discombobulated by the discordant and disconsolate vocalisation.

 

Liberally apply tallow and pitch to the heretical wretch with a lavering stick. Apply lard, spare no crook or rugosity. Ensure that the genital area, which is the source of all sin, is well anointed with camphor. Place the flaming brand unto the base of the brushwood. Allow the flames to consume the heretic. The ensuring cries from the sinful sinner (tautology, no less) should be seen as a song, foreboding and alluding to the eternity of hell, where the flames quencheth, not at all.

 

Once consumed by the cleansing inferno (hand of God?), remove the charred remains and cast unto the local midden pit 

(32A Cherry Street) to be scarfed by the local hounds and swine. 

Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter” (Mark 3:28), but then He gives one exception: “Whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin” (verse 29).

 

I hope this instruction/injunction helps. Now, go forth and free the heretic’s soul from this life and let Shagger and his heavenly host do their worst. Arse

 

Yours sincerely,

Flaxen Saxon

                               Saint Shagger contemplating gnawing orf a heretic's twinkle

 

Bloody Photons and the Passage of Time

 

Photons don't experience the passage of time or distance: discuss

Occasionally, I will introduce a topic or piece of random knowledge to this blog that requires a modicum of deep thought and contemplation. Mayhap a profound contradiction will be discussed or a puzzling aspect of our existence, put forth. These are the sort of problems I wrestle with long into the night. They keep me awake and lead me to ponder this world with excruciating pangs of wonder. The ticking of the beside clock insinuates and reminds, that, for my existence, time, if it exists, is very much a finite quality/quantity. This is one of those occasions.

Since Einstein we have come to appreciate that time and space are irrevocably intertwined and relative to the observer. The full ramifications of the theories of special and general relativity can be difficult for us to assimilate. Luckily, for the most part, the effects of time dilation and the warping of space is negligible for the majority of our earthly activities and can be explained very well using simple Newtonian mechanics. A good example of when the effects of time dilation are important concerns the movement of satellites. Even at their modest orbiting speed of 14,000 kilometres per hour, GPS satellites experience time dilation relative to our pedestrian earthly stance. These effects have to be considered and allowed for otherwise instead of driving to 12 Acacia Avenue, you would, no doubt, end up at 14 Acacia Avenue.

When we observe a photon travelling the cosmos we perceive that photon to be travelling at 186,000 miles per second over well defined points in space. This is our viewpoint of how light travels. We should note that the speed of light remains constant no matter the frame of reference. But how do mass less photons experience their plight/flight? According to Einstein's postulate, photons travelling at the speed of light are not constrained by space or time. Einstein’s equations predict that photons transcend reality. Photons don’t travel and their clock ticketh not at all. From their conception to destination arrival is instant. This is why I don’t sleep too well. If the universe is infinite the ramifications boggle our feeble minds. Is space and time just a beautiful illusion? I will admit that my conception of the universe at the very large, very small, and the very fast is beyond my feeble comprehension. I’m lost in a sea of contradictions. I know that I will go to my grave as ignorant as a new born babe.